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One Missed Call (2003)

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Japanese filmmaker Takashi Miike has one of the most bizarre and varied filmographies out there. One moment he's making ultraviolent horror or gore films, the next he'll be making kids films, or lighthearted parodies. 2003's One Missed Call is by far one of his more normal films, as it's a simple Ringu-style J-horror, rather than a horror/comedy-musical involving murder and gremlins (Happiness of the Katakuris), or a film about incest, breast milk rain, and a multitude of other oddities (Visitor Q)...

A bunch of university students have been receiving eerie voicemails of themselves from the future, wherein they die horribly. Very quickly, the messages prove to be fatally accurate. Uni girl Yumi, seeks to find out the reason behind these supernatural occurrences, with the help of Yamashita], a man whose sister was also killed by the malevolent entity...


One Missed Call is a decent horror film, but it's unfortunately pretty standard. Aside from the fact that this is a J-horror film about a spooky pale ghost girl with long black hair, One Missed Call isn't particularly cliched, thankfully. The worst it gets is when it apes the 'It's all over!...But is it?' climax from Ringu/The Ring. The plot moves along at a decent, but somewhat overlong pace. It's well-written, but not without problems, given the dripfeed of the mystery is not good at all.

Whereas modern American horror flicks (that is to say, from the 1990's to now) tend to be more simple, Japanese ones definitely have a more investigative bent to them, which make them smarter than your average fare. Granted, seeing as so many J-horror films are styled like this, it's easy to tire of them after a while.


The characters here are ok, but they're always so sullen and dour that things can get a bit boring. C'mon guys, I know this is a horror film, but why don't you smile for a change!

One thing I especially like is that once the spooky stuff stars happening and friends start dying, the main characters actually do something sensible. You know what they do? They get their plan cancelled and have the phone destroyed! In most American horror flicks, even good ones, the protagonists would probably be too dumb to do any of those things because the writers would be worried that doing so would speed the film along too much, or something like that. It's nicely refreshing to have characters acting rationally for a change!


One big problem I have with the plot is that it never shows the public/police reaction to character Natsumi's death, especially given the way she died. You can't really write off 'limbs violently twisting and warping around until decapitation ensues' as a 'nothing to see here' suicide, especially when it's caught on camera! Hell, the cameras can capture the evil ghost! You can't see her in real life unless you're marked for death, but if you look at the cameras, you can see her clearly!

Unfortunately, while a good setpiece, the TV sensationalist exorcism segment of the film grinds the plot to a complete halt for nearly twenty minutes.


The climax and ending to One Missed Call really pisses me off! First of all, I don't like the predeterminism of the film. When I watch movies like this, I prefer the characters to break the cycle somehow. If they don't, not only is it a downer, but it's also a waste, as it means the entire film was pointless.

...At least, that's what I think the case is! The ending is really confusing, and I wasn't sure who was dead and who was alive. Well if 'they' are both alive, then at least the film doesn't have a depressing ending, so that counts for something. It might be happy given the annoyingly out-of-place J-pop tune over the ending credits, but Asian films do have a nasty tendency to have really upbeat songs at the end of their movies, no matter how grim.


One Missed Call has some ok scares, but nothing too impressive. The ringtone definitely has a niftily spooky sound to it, but it's repeated a few too many times.

Onto a random aspect of the film-How the evil ghost propagates. It does so by going from phone to phone via their contact lists. Some may find this to be creepy, some find it overpowers the villain, and others just find it amusing that the ghosts are so tech-savvy  I don't find it that effective in the respect that nothing Pulse epidemic-like ever comes from this, but that's not very important, since the movie never tries to be like that.

The acting here is all serviceable. Nothing great, but nothing bad either.

The effects in this movie are very good, for the most part. There's some green-screen/filter stuff (I think) that doesn't look so good, and a meh CGI door face in one scene. Everything else is good, the standout being Marie, who's rotting make-up is cool enough, but we also see bits of flesh constantly gooily sliding off her bones!


One Missed Call is a good movie, but its confusing ending and rather derivative nature hold it back. I don't really recommend this, as you could just as easily watch something like Ringu instead and get a better experience...

Nancy Drew (2007)

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I've never read a single Nancy Drew book and I don't know if I ever will. Can you blame me? There are probably thousands of them at this point! But then again, I'd jump at reading Nancy Drew rather than again have to suffer through the goddamn 'aw shucks' tales of the fucking Hardy Boys!...I DON'T LIKE THE HARDY BOYS!

Onto more positive and less foul-mouthed subjects, in 2007, a Nancy Drew film was released, and since it lacks the baggage of thousands of prior books, and dozens of possibly conflicting details and continuity mishaps, I decided to give it a watch, and I didn't regret it!...

Nancy Drew is a bright teenage girl always smiling, always friendly, and always sleuthing. An avid mystery solver, Nancy always keeps herself busy, but when she and her father move to Los Angeles for a planned few month long stay, he insists that she keep away from anything mystery related. Nancy promises, but this proves easier said than done, considering she specifically chose their new house due to its background. It was owned by Dehlia Draycott, a famous actress who disappeared for some months only to come back briefly before being murdered. Many people have tried to get to the bottom of this mystery, but not everybody is Nancy Drew...

Nancy Drew is a very good film! The plot is well-written, has a good pace, and contains an interesting mystery! While it's kind-of a shame that Nancy never finds out the identity of the culprit on her own (he just eventually shows himself to her), it's still one of the film's best aspects.

From her adorable looks, laidback nature, killer fashion sense, jovially blase attitude, and investigative knack, Nancy Drew is an extremely likeable protagonist! One aspect about her character I particularly like is that she does actually make an effort at first to keep her promise with her father, and comes across as a more likeable character because of this than the oft-written ones which'd just immediately ignore the promise and instantly zap to sleuthing. Nancy's also a badass! You know what happens when a schoolgirl victimizes her? She slices the girl's throat open! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!...ok, the girl's having an allergic reaction and Nancy performs an emergency tracheotomy, but still, badass...

Nancy's friend and sorta love interest (only really at the very end) Ned is kinda superfluous, but he's not annoying or anything. The two school divas are total bitches, but in an amusing way, and they do become kinda genuinely likeable come the movie's end.

And now we get to Corky, the film's most annoying character! He's not terrible, but he is pretty grating, and he adds nothing to the plot. I guess the writers must have figured that out, since he's entirely absent from the movie's final act, just showing up again for the climax's end, and the denouement. Thank you, movie!

The acting in Nancy Drew ranges from good to great. The latter definitely covers Emma Roberts, who's  and adorable as the titular character. Barry Bostwick at first seems to only be playing a very small role, but he comes back in the last third to be more important, and he's great! And then there's a funny cameo from a...certain actor. I won't say who.

And finally, this film has very good direction! It's niftily stylish in a few places!

To finish, Nancy Drew is a highly entertaining movie, both sweet and adorable, and neatly intriguing! I recommend it to fans of mysteries of this kind!...

Videodrome (1983)

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Say, do you ever get the hankering to watch movies about the neurological effects of mysterious Cathode Ray Tubes, TV's getting whipped to orgasm, and cancer guns made out of hands? If so, then you're my kind of person, and David Cronenberg's! Today I'll be looking at his 1983 film Videodrome!...

Max Renn, the president of a sleazy underground porno channel, is looking for new, more extreme material, to draw in more viewers. He comes across a show called Videodrome, which consist of nothing more than extreme sadism inflicted upon restrained victims. Believing the show to be staged, Renn is intrigued, and is interested in showing Videodrome on his channel. He soon finds out that Videodrome was originally created by the reclusive Brian O'Blivion, and that its far more than what it seems at face value.

As Max uncovers more about Videodrome, he starts to develop hallucinations, and his grip on reality either starts to falter, or is made more clearer than it ever has been before...


Videodrome is an extremely surreal movie. If you can label it as anything, I suppose you'd call it a sci-fi/horror, but it doesn't have as much of either to be considered one of either genre all that much.Could you label Videodrome comfortably into a genre? Maybe? I don't know.

This movie follows a well-written plot that is an extremely intriguing sit. Videodrome's themes and concepts comes across very well, complementing the movie perfectly. The film is heavily tied to TV, and its place in society-What it represents, and what it does to us. As for its surreal factor, some say that it's postmodernist, which means something. The whole film weaves in and out of hallucinations, and there are times when you don't know if what you're seeing is really happening or not.

Part of what works about Videodrome's bizarre imagery is that in a way (or should I say 'ways') you know what's causing it, so it's not just made up of a string of random surreal scenes just for pretentiousness' sake. This makes the film's pacing much better than it would have been if it was just meaningless bull.


This movie's effects are great We get a whole slew of awesome practical effects courtesy of Rick Baker, and while they do look a bit latex-y at times, and the skinned fist looks hilariously fake given its shape, they make an already great film better!

The acting in Videodrome is very good! James Woods is intense as a man losing his grip on reality, while Deborah Harry is decent as the sadomasochistic Nicki Brand (only decent since she's not in the movie all that much), and Leslie Carlson makes for a pretty good villain, though I would have preferred he do a bit more.


The score here is very effective, helping the film feel grim and foreboding.

I  have very few complaints with Videodrome. The first is that Debbie Harry's character disappears from the film too soon (she comes back, but only for a couple of trippy hallucination sequences). The other is that we don't really know much of why the villainous Barry Convex and co. want to use Videodrome, nor do they do enough.

Unicorns have always been a majestic breed of animal, but dairy companies are only interested in their milk. Have you ever wondered by maltesers, M&M's, and storebought ice-creams are so ridiculously expensive? It's because they're made from unicorn milk. Unfortunately, all quantities of unicorn milk is made up of 10% tears.

Say, do you ever get the hankering to watch movies about the neurological effects of the Cathode Ray Tube, TV's getting whipped to orgasm, and cancer guns made out of hands? If so, then you're my kind of person, and David Cronenberg's! Today I'll be looking at his 1983 film Videodrome!...


Videodrome is a fantastically bizarre film that I highly recommend. It examines the nature of Television in a way that'll either make you scratch your head, or sit in excitement at the film's dark, thought-provoking plot...

Theatre Fantastique: The Family Wolff (2014)

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I was not looking forward to the Season 1 finale to dreadful Ansel Faraj web series Theatre Fantastique. I was borderline dreading it! However, The Family Wolff is an extremely pleasant surprise!...

Emily Stapleton and Jamison Wolff are a happy couple who work at a mental institution. Jamison wants Emily to meet his family for Christmas, and she's all too. However, when they arrive at the Wolff household, Emily is more than a little disturbed by the creepy family's antics...


While almost all preceding entries of Theatre Fantastique were, to put it in the most kindhearted way I can, fucking awful, The Family Wolff is surprisingly really good! It's well-written, fun, and most importantly, it doesn't come across as an Addams Family/Munsters ripoff! That's a pretty mean feat given how easily that could've happened with such a specific concept as a happy and morbid supernatural family.

The comedy in this short is already light years beyond that of previous Theatre Fantastique entry The Happy Home of the Murderous Mahone's, as that was neither theatrical, fantastiqal, or gothic! The Family Wolff's tone is definitely more fitting for this series.

We get many funny scenes here, such as the happy couple's jovial conversation about 'meeting the parents' while asylum shrieking abounds. It's a good disconnect which works in the movies favour. There's humerous dialogue, like "Hey, where is everyone?...I shouldn't say that, they'll surround us like piranha."


The ooky family members are all highly amusing! Elyse Ashton is the best as the cheerful mother, while Chris Tyler Link is decent as the somewhat normal and highly exasperated son. The daughter Isabelle is a bit too obvious at times, but not bad, while the undead father isn't too annoying given his over-the-top demeanor. Christopher Pennock completely lets his bad overacting get the better of him, but it kinda works for his character this time.

Kelsey Hewlett is quite entertaining in The Family Wolff, providing a good 'straight man' performance, and some good humour, and a hilarious ending!

The effects here, what little there are, are pretty decent. As for the location, it's actually quite good. given this series' track record! It looks like someone's house, but it's actually meant to this time, and there's not a single green screen present! The lighting is still off with washes of purple and red, as Ansel Faraj likes, but given the eccentricities of the characters who live in this location, it does at least make a bit of sense.


The public-domain comprised score works effectively, lending a nice feel to the short.

The problems with The Family Wolff are minor. One is the name of the asylum at the start-It's called Morningside. I GET IT! And the Bewitched nose twitch in one scene was not appreciated! It was too forced and obvious.

Finally, this short is only twelve minutes long, which is a shame, but the plot is still well paced and developed. The Family Wolff is a pretty great short film, and definitely a step in the right direction for the previously stagnant series!


So, the last two episodes of Theatre Fantastique Season 1 are actually pretty good! That's a shocker! And a relief, of course, as I don't want to despise everything Ansel Faraj makes. Maybe Season 2 of this series (which is on its way) will be good after all...

Snow (2014)

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*Sigh* Book-to-movie adaptations are so rarely done well.Today I'm looking at Snow, an adaptation of the 2014 graphic novel of the same name...

Dana is a young woman living in Queen Street  Toronto, working at Abberline's bookstore. She's continually frustrated by the amount of stores that are closing down thanks to the flailing economy, and soon feels even worse when she finds out that Abberline's too is shutting down. As if things weren't bad enough, when Dana's walking home one night, she hears a gunshot in the shop next to her flat, and upon investigation, finds the store-owner bleeding badly from severe injuries. Dana tries to save the man, but he later dies en route to the hospital. Dana quickly becomes determined to find out who the dead man was, and who killed him...


Snow is a pretty dull film. It's not dreadfully boring, and it is watchable, but it's just plain listless, and the plot never amounts to anything, stopping abruptly. It's also pretty inconsistent in what it wants the movie to be about, whether it's a murder-mystery, an examination on the fate of small businesses in a poor economy, or a tale of self-esteem and self-improvement through new pathways.

As if those weren't problematic enough, this isn't a very good adaptation. For the most part, it gets the dialogue right, but while the book was interesting, and had an air of heaviness and melancholy to it, the movie doesn't.


Snow is only 77 minutes long, yet apparently the screenwriter must have thought that a regular running time was too long, as there's one moment where it seems like an important scene from the book has been cut out from the movie!...That's what it seems like at first, but as the movie rolled on, it turned out that the scene was merely pointlessly shoved later into the script, which definitely hurts the structure, so there might as well be a missing scene.

A particularly egregious crime Snow makes is in regards to the setting's weather from the book. This movie is in black-and-white for no other reason I can think of other than as a lame attempt to hide the fact that there's no snow in this movie! I'm serious, there's not a single flake of snow until the last two seconds in a movie called Snow!


There's one poorly adapted dialogue exchange here too, when Dana is asked about Abberline's status by a bartender. In the movie, he says "I heard you closed down" instead of "I heard you were closing down" as he does in the book. That may seem like a minimal change, but it actually means a lot. When Dana hears the latter, it fills her with fear for the possible future, but hearing a rumour that it's already closed is obviously untrue, so it shouldn't disturb her as much.

The lead character Dana is pretty bland, and dumb in a few scenes, like when she goes back to the crime scene in the hopes of finding out what happened, even though the police have already gone through everything days prior. She's also too stupid to tell the difference between "Who's there?" and "Suzanne". That was a problem with the book too, although it's presented here less confusingly. And finally, it's never explained what it is about Queen Street that she cares about so much. We have no idea why she doesn't just move.


Julia is a more likeable character, but there's not much to her. Same goes for the remaining characters. As for the abusive dick and his girlfriend, they add nothing to the movie beyond their first scene. If it was was their only one, things would be fine, as this is just a random occurrence, but the presence of their second scene means that they're now a bigger part of the film, yet they never appear again, nor is their story resolved. Also, their second scene feels really intrusive with its placement.

Snow's soundtrack is decent, and has one really nice tune on it, but it's too low-key althroughout, and far too repetitive.

The direction is ok. It's standard in places, but there are moments that look neatly stylish.


The acting in Snow is ok. There aren't really any bad performances, but lead Nina Iordanova's delivery in some scenes is a bit weak. One unintentionally hysterically funny scene when she's in the CD store after its owner has been shot. She calls for help, but does so really halfheartedly, and from the middle of the store. The intent isn't that she's too shocked to effectively call out, but rather this is the film's attempt at having her actually call out for help!

Kira Hall is decent, but rarely shows more than one emotion throughout the whole movie. Thankfully it's a lively one. And finally, Richard Chuang is sometimes a bit weak in his delivery too, but is otherwise entertaining.


I mildly recommend the original graphic novel of Snow, but not this film adaptation. It's short, but not worth your time...

The Night Porter (1974)

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You have to wonder what goes on in the minds of film snobs sometimes. Why do they enjoy films from genres they otherwise despise as long as a certain set of criteria involving classical scores and other such minutia are met? Such a film is the kinda-Nazisploitation The Night Porter, which caused quite a bit of controversy back in the day, although I can't imagine how. But then again, I already find the most disturbing, traumatizing, and 'irredeemable vile' nazisploitation films to be tame stuff, so maybe I'm an impartial judge.

Accusations of poor taste and supposed 'Nazi Chic' (HA! As if this film was that ballsy) were what sent some critics into a rage over The Night Porter, and this certainly isn't a film that all mainstream critics enjoyed. Roger Ebert, for example, hated it. I, for one, feel much the same way about it...

In 1958, Max Aldorfer is a night porter at a hotel, laying low from the world. He was a Nazi in World War II, and after killing nearly all witnesses who could testify against him, Max quietly retreated to live a quiet life. The past is soon rooted up when a woman named Lucia checks in at the hotel. Max recognizes her as an inmate from his concentration camp, where the two engaged in a sadomasochistic relationship. While frightened at first, Lucia quickly rekindles her relationship with Max, but the two are threatened when Max's Nazi buddies find out about this potential witness that Max let live...


It's not often when a movie finds itself needing more qualities akin to an icky nazisploitation movie, rather than less. You see, The Night Porter is boring! The first half hour accomplishes so little, and from then on, we get more of the same-Read: Nothing. An hour in, and the only thing we know about the two main characters is that they seem to have gotten their groove on together in a concentration camp. The plot is extremely minimal, the flashbacks too short and infrequent, and some scenes are downwright insane, like Dirk Bogarde making tea in real time! That had me yelling 'Oh my god, I GET IT! He's making tea! What it this, Crazy Fat Ethel 2?!'.

The Night Porter's two main characters are incredibly unlikeable. Lucia is a stupid bitch with zero good sense, while Max is a Nazi, murderer, torturer, rapist, and possibly a child-molester too, if the film is serious in trying to pass of a near-thirty year old Charlotte Rampling as a kid! I frankly don't care if their being unlikeable is the point, as the writing is too boring for them to be compellingly so.


Throughout this whole movie, I kept expecting it to end similarly to The Gestapo's Last Orgy, wherein the main character had a sensible reaction to encountering her torturer and forced lover years after the fact-She duped him by pretending to return his feelings, then she shot the crap out of him!

Max's crowning moment of idiocy comes in a flashback, when he forces Lucia to give him a blowjob. What idiot lets one of their death camp prisoners suck them off?! THEY'RE GONNA BITE YOUR DICK OFF, DUMBASS!

What separates The Night Porter from other Nazisploitation fare is that stuff actually happened in those movies. Also, some actually showed sexual stuff, making them certainly more convincing than off panel head-thrusting. Not that a film about sexual subject matter has to be soft/hard-core to work, but when a movie meant to be about a perverse sadomasochistic relationship comes across as so vanilla, there's a problem!


The Night Porter is filled with classical music over nothing happening, which is I'm sure 70% of the reason why film snobs* enjoy it. The music is dull and does nothing to alleviate the absolute boredom that permeates the movie. It only gets odd in one scene. Death camp spandau ballet is just as outlandish as nazi popes, SS women training schools, evil commandants who are envious of a fellow soldier's balls, therefore conspiring to steal them, and prostitutes rubbing themselves against frozen pilots to bring them back to life. The flashback brothel dance with Charlotte Rampling is considered to be the film's most iconic scene, and even included on the poster, yet I felt it too was boring. It was brief, tame, and meh.

*I suppose this already goes without saying, but when I talk about the film snobs who enjoy this movie, I'm exclusively referring to unlikeable snobs, not to random people who also happen to enjoy The Night Porter. They're fine.


There are a bundle of stupid scenes in the movie too, such as Max and his friends discussing nazi business in the open! Even when they talk in private, it's in locations they could easily be heard in. And Max even keeps his nazi regalia in his cupboard!  Jesus, dude, if you're gonna go so far to purge your misdeeds that you kill hundreds, if not thousands, of people, then destroying your uniform should have happened a looooong time ago!

I'd find it interesting that a woman directed a film full of sadomasochistic sexual violence back in 1974, if this film wasn't so tame. Ignoring that, Liliana Cavani's direction is good, but the framing not-so much. To put it another way, Liliana Cavani can direct people silently making drinks in real-time up there with Nick Phillips/Millard! There are also numerous abrupt cuts, some even cutting off the scoring midway.


The acting in The Night Porter is passable. Dirk Bogarde looks like a less-talented Humphrey Bogart, never coming across as intimidating, while Charlotte Rampling's performance is nothing! She emotes decently, I guess, but she barely converses with her love interest of the movie, and only has minimal dialogue with anyone else.

There's only one positive I can lend to The Night Porter, and even then, it's a barbed one. It's a riffable movie, but you'll still be bored senseless watching this, so it's not worth the minimal fun riffing will provide.


To conclude with a joke only very few people will get, The Night Porter isn't a film whose boots I'd lick forever...

The Magic of the Faraway Tree (1997)

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I suppose I'm what you'd call a lapsed Enid Blyton fan. I haven't read any of her books in years, despite my meaning too. A few days ago, I came across the two DVD's of a Magic Faraway Tree cartoon in a supermarket bargain bin, and instantly got them. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I certainly wasn't disappointed with my purchase!...

Fanny, Joe, and Bessie are three kids who regularly go on adventures to the Faraway tree, the home to a variety of wonderful inhabitants such as Silky the fairy, Saucepan Man, and Moonface, among others. The tree also acts as a gateway to other magical worlds, albeit briefly at a time. Whether it's a world of giants, dreams, secrets, or marvels, the Faraway gang always have fun times, even if they do end up hip deep in troublesome situations more often than not...


The Magic of the Faraway Tree is a very obscure cartoon series from 1997, and I have yet to find any info about it on the net!

The writing in these episodes tends to be entertaining and surreal! In one episode you've got a wicked Dame who spends her time in various occupations in order to control the world's denizens, while in another, the gang go to the Land of Dreams, where they're arrested by two police officers who take them as far as a pool, but it's empty, so they can't go for a swim. They cry, until their tears fill the pool, then they jump in, turn into fish, and instruct the gang to arrest themselves at the police station next to the giant present! Then you've got one where Saucepan Man and Joe get captured by talking polar bears, who decide to use the two as servants rather than eating them.


What's especially amusing about these stories is that sometimes they actually teach lessons! Simple ones, of course, but mildly helpful for kids to learn.
The episodes are very short at only ten minutes each, but are well-paced, and never rushed. Still, I wish they were twenty, that way we'd get as much Faraway Tree adventure as possible.

The characters in this series are all fine, although it's hard to understand sometimes why they haven't all murdered the perpetually-grouchy Angry Pixie, and the repetitive Saucepan Man. The jokes concerning the latter being hard of hearing are used constantly, but they never get too annoying.

The only problem concerning both the characters and the series' concept is that the first episode just starts. No explanation on who or what anyone or anything is, it just jumps right in. Thankfully it's quick and easy to get your bearings.


The Faraway Tree's animation is decent. Very primitive for 1997, but it's never bad. It does get a bit obvious though when animations are repeated, such as the same establishing shot of the tree again and again, or onetime where a piece of dialogue (involving the Slippery Slip) is actually completely recycled! There's some CGI in the first couple of episodes, and not only is it bad, but it's really noticeable, given its clashing nature.

The acting in this series is largely decent, although the delivery here and there can be a bit weak.

The scoring in The Faraway Tree is decent. The main theme is good, while the regular music is nice. And as a plus, it never gets too repetitive if you marathon the series.


There is one genuine problem I have with this show, and it's a carryover from the revised editions of the books-The naming! The main characters are supposed to be called Fanny, Dick, and Bessie, not Fran, Rick, and Beth! I don't even know why the people responsible for this had such a problem with the name Bessie!...Actually that's not true. I do know, and am in fact stupider for knowing. They went all revisionist history on Bessie because they thought it was an old-fashioned' name. WELL IT'S AN OLD-FASHIONEDEFFIN' BOOK! The editors of Enid Blyton's books post-whenever come across as literally Stalinistic, and it is insane!


If you're not into kid stuff, I don't recommend The Magic of the Faraway Tree, but if you are, or have/know kids, this is a perfect, albeit all-too-brief treat!...

Those Aren't Muskets (2007-Present) and Kill Me Now (2012)

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While it does have its fair share of crap articles, reading Cracked can frequently be a positive experience, especially when it allows you to discover such greats as Those Aren't Muskets!

Those Aren't Muskets is a web sketch comedy series that started in 2007. Starring Michael Swaim, and many, many others, it's very funny! The sketches are surreal and diverse. You've got ones involving a murderous phone helpline programs, a ridiculously absurd (yet played straight) action movie fake trailer, a deadly Starfox murder triangle, or zoo attraction Koko the Gorilla revealing his true intentions to his audience, much to their horror. Then there are ones involving the memetics and annoying 'underbelly' of the internet in hilariously absurd ways.


My favourite sketches are Damn You, Batman, a take on the super menacing and dark Batman of 'recent' pop culture, The Dinner Party, wherein a ransom kidnapper's work interrupts a dinner with friends, potentially threatening his marriage, and The Coat, where the manager of a business has the sad duty to inform his board that their company is going under...and the board can't help but notice his new diamond-studded coat. That's just to name a few, and with 32 sketches under TAM's belt, there's heaps to enjoy!


The acting in these sketches is always good, and sometimes deliberately over-the-top or the opposite, such as in the Chops! fake trailer.

The production values of TAM are low-budget, but effective, and the series always looks fine.

Those Aren't Muskets is a hilarious series which I wholeheartedly recommend!...

Kill Me Now


After a long gap without videos, TAM returned bigger than ever with their film effort Kill Me Now, and it's the best thing they've produced thus far!...

Dennis and Noah are two soon-to-be graduating friends, who head to an annoying jock's birthday party in a cabin in some secluded woods. Earlier that day, the jock dented the van of a sinister man, who covertly follows them to their party, with psychotic visions of 'culling the herd' of stupid people...


Kill Me Now is a hysterically funny comedy-horror. It's extremely well-written, and the jokes fly fast! The two genres mix together very well. The film never attempts any legitimate scary moments, but rather is a comedy with a dark situation, which works fine. The story is simple, but highly entertaining and frequently hilarious.

Kill Me Now surprisingly has a very small body count, and the the film relies solely on its humour and characters to carry the proceedings, rather than just throw a bunch of gore at the screen and hope it makes up for any shortcomings, as some not-so-good horror films often do.


The characters are memorable, and all well-written. The protagonists are likeable, some of the minor characters (such as the acid head) get chances to shine, while the film's requisite dick characters are entertaining rather than annoying, and that really counts for something in horror movies! There's nothing worse than having to bear with unbearable characters for a movie's running time.

By far the best character in Kill Me Now is the killer, who lends so much humour to the film! His dialogue is highly likely to leave you in stitches practically every time he opens his mouth. As for how he's written, it's very good! He's not just a faceless and personality-less lug with a machete and drill, but a more well-rounded antagonist.


The acting in this movie ranges from good to great, and there's not a single bad performance. Jacob Reed and Michael Swaim make for fine leads, while Brett Fancy is fantastic as the killer.

The look of Kill Me Now is great, as is the direction, although there's one problem involving the killer's van. A character is said to have been gutted and splattered all over the insides of the vehicle, and when the main characters look inside, it's implied to be a very gross sight, but when we see the body later, it's nearly untouched aside from a neck wound.


Everything about Kill Me Now works, and I highly recommend it! The film is available here, if you're interested. It's one of the best comedies I've seen in a while, and I can't wait 'til Those Aren't Muskets' next effort!...

Hugo (2011)

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Martin Scorsese usually spends his time making seedy and dark crime movies such as Mean Streets, Taxi Driver, The Departed, Last Kings of New York, etc, but sometimes he comes out with very different projects, such as 1974's Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore, or 2011's Hugo...

Young Hugo Cabret is an orphan secretly living in the forgotten back areas of a bustling train station. He spends his time stealing all sorts of things so he can successfully rebuild a clockwork automaton that he worked on with his now-deceased father. When he's caught stealing by Georges, an old shopowner in the station, Hugo's notebook is taken. Georges, having recognized the contents of the notebook, angrily takes it home with him, telling Hugo in no uncertain terms that he's going to burn it. Hugo vies to get it back, enlisting the help of Georges' goddaughter Isabelle, and the two soon begin to uncover the reason behind the bitterness of Georges Melies...


Hugo is a fantastic film! Its plot is extremely well-written, its mystery intriguing, the characters likeable, and the movie's frequently poignant. Its subject matter, both happy and melancholy, is handled very well, and leaves you with a sense of nostalgia for the silent film period.

This film is based on a book (which had more of a real title than just the lead character's name!), which is in turn based on reality. This is largely accurate to history, although a few of things are changed up or omitted.


Hugo looks great! The direction is great, as is the set design, which is marvelous and stylish, and it seemingly looks so nifty that it makes people constantly refer to this as a fantasy when it's anything but!


The film isn't without problems, unfortunately. The first fifteen minutes are very slow, and we don't have any idea what the plot even is for all that time. There's also some pretty painful comic relief over the first quarter of the movie. These two issues make Hugo a pretty unbearable sit for a short period. Thankfully after a while, the comic relief starts phasing out, and Sacha Baron Cohen's 'comical' character actually starts being not annoying!

The characters in Hugo are well written, carrying the film well, and there's even effort put into the minor characters! Granted, it's not a whole lot, and some are more slightly annoying than others, but still, it's appreciated!


The acting in Hugo is mostly all great! Asa Butterfield may look like he's dead, but he's a capable child actor, and he's a fine lead once we actually know who the hell Hugo is. Chloe Grace Moretz is my favourite of the film's cast, while Ben Kingsley once again proves that while he may sometimes appear in dreadful movies (presumably to pay off his car, or similar ends), he'll never stop being a true class actor! Sacha Baron Cohen is annoying at first, but his character becomes endearing at a certain point, creepy bathing scenes notwithstanding. One thing that's tacky is that everyone speaks with British accents rather than French (minus Christopher Lee).


Another problem I have with Hugo is the baffling dream sequence, which comes right outta freakin'nowhere! What's worse is that you don't even know it's a dream until the scene ends, so for the entirety of the scene, you'll be wondering why the hell the movie is suddenly going off the rails so much! Another confusing scene is in the flashback when Hugo's father dies. I had no idea what the hell happened, and could only assume that Daredevil's nemesis Vapora was responsible.


Despite its shaky start, Hugo is a marvelous film, and whether the early age of film interests you, or if you just like great films, I highly recommend this!...

Bee and Puppycat (2013-)

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Adventure Time really has opened the floodgates for more quirky and surreal animated shows, from Regular Show (possibly), to Gravity Falls, and Bravest Warriors, as well as the rest of the Cartoon Hangover channel, including such new shows as Natasha Allegri's Bee and Puppycat...

Bee and Puppycat originated as a two-part ten minute short on Youtube, as part of the Cartoon Hangover channel, and it was extremely popular. Thanks to a hugely successful Kickstarter campaign, it's made it to full series. So, is it worth the wait, Kickstarter, and hype?...


Bee is an odd young unemployed woman who encounters the stray Puppycat, an animal that looks like both a dog and a cat, which she takes home as a pet. Bee is in desperate need of money, and Puppycat, who can sorta-talk , takes Bee with him on a temp job for Temp-Bot, a giant TV...

Bee and Puppycat is a very amusing show. It's creative, and totally adorable! The pilot it started life as lays the groundwork for the series well, although given it's a pilot, some things do get changed up for the rest of the series-The animation's a bit different, and some aspects such as Temp-Bot's accent and possibly demeanor are altered.


Like Adventure Time before it, Bee and Puppycat is extremely surreal. We've got a woman and her pet of indeterminate species working as temp agents for a giant TV in hyperspace who sends them on assignments in locations such as Fish-Bowl Space or Jelly Cube Planet, to do things like babysit sad fish children who turn into hideous monsters after hearing fairy tales, or help out a farm that eats souls.

The characters in this series are entertaining, and the two supporting leads Deckard and Cass actually add a more serious and thoughtful nature to the show which balances really well with its otherwise whimsical nature.


The acting in Bee and Puppycat is good, with Allyn Rachel making for a boisterous and cute lead. The actor who plays the character Cardamon is very stiff. Whether that's intentional or not, I've no idea. Thankfully the concept of the character (he's a child landlord) is entertaining enough to let you look past that.

The animation here is great! It's cute, lively, well-drawn, and ensures the show's great quality. And then there's the show's scoring, which is great! It's nice, soft, soothing, and very pretty!

If I had to pick one problem with this series, it's that Puppycat looks very little like a dog. That's no big deal though. I also wish the episodes were longer than 6 minutes, but the short length isn't crippling or problematic. I just wish there was more Bee and Puppycat.


Bee and Puppycat is a great little webseries, and it seems to be going uphill from here!...

Mr. and Mrs. Murder (2013)

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As an Australian, I can attest to there not being nearly enough genre shows over here. While there's some variance in our kids shows, they're obviously not for everyone given their age range, and the majority of shows we get over here are soap operas, shitty reality TV, and dull gangland drama. Naturally, when a show like the funny whodunnit Mr. and Mrs. Murder starts, you can be sure that I'd be extremely happy!..Less so when it was cancelled at the end of its first fucking season though!...


Trauma cleaners Charlie and Nicola Buchanan don't just clear up violent crime scene's, but also have a keen interest in crimesolving. The compassionate Nicola and methodical Charlie use either their status, wiles, or ingenuity to get to the bottom of mysterious deaths, whether outright murder or believed to be suicide,

Mr. and Mrs. Murder is a great TV series! It always has well-written plots, and nicely crafted mysteries!


The main characters carry the show awesomely, with entertaining quirks, and great intelligence! Comedian Shaun Micallef is kinda annoying in about 10/20% of his filmography, but Mr. and Mrs. Murder certainly doesn't come under that small pocket.  Kat Stewart is equally great,   And then there's the niece, snarky Jess, usually the pawn in Charlie and Nicola's sleuthing schemes. The fourth and final main character is police detective Peter Vinetti, a friend of Nicola's who's wise to the Buchanan's skills, and lets them in on investigations (and frequently frustrated and having to look away when they find clues thanks to less-than-reputable ways of sleuthing, i.e. breaking and entering).


Mr. and Mrs. Murder is very funny. We get humorous dialogue, actions, and situations, as well as some oft-entertaining recurring jokes, such as Charlie and Nicola's one-sided rock-paper-scissors matches, or how Nicola serenely growls whenever hugging people.

The episode prologues are usually pretty tensely filmed, which is a pretty neat contrast to the lighthearted nature of the show, and neither these cold opens, nor the darkness of the rest of the show ever mesh negatively with its more happy atmosphere. The first episode's prologue is my favourite-It's well direction, edited, has an ooky score (which sounds like it'd fit right in in the Shadowman game), and a nifty atmospheric locale and lighting!


The acting in this show, from major characters to minor, is all good, and some of the actors playing the killers are niftily psychotic once they're true intentions are revealed!

With its recurring tunes, leitmotifs, and one-off music, Mr. and Mrs. Murder's scoring is great! The main theme is a very nice tune, and the opening credits are, for one, actual opening credits, and they're very stylish with their comic book nature.


As I said above, Mr. and Mrs. Murder only lasted the one season...I'm pretty sure, anyway. The various region DVD's of the show list it as Series 1/The Complete First Series, etc., which has me a tad hopeful that maybe the show will come back for a second season. I really hope so, because Mr. and Mrs. Murder is a fantastically entertaining, witty, and amusing whodunnit series...


Ruby (1977)

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Curtis Harrington is a pretty interesting director. He specializes in horror films involving middle aged women, rather than young co-eds or anything of that like, and his films tended to have very distinct themes and creepy atmospheres. I couldn't tell you much more than that, as to this day, I've yet to see any of his films (even the awesomely titled Who Slew Auntie Roo?), aside from his 1977 outing Ruby...


Ruby Claire was a big-time celebrity and singer in the 1930's, but her nasty habit of hanging around gangsters = her badly when her  mob boss friend Jake killed her lover Nicky in a jealous rage. Years later, the washed-up Ruby runs a drive-in, employing all her old 'comrades-in-arms' from her criminal days. One night, they start getting mysteriously and violently killed, and Ruby soon becomes convinced that Nicky's spirit is back. She's correct, and Nicky is under the impression that Ruby set him up to be killed. He makes short work of the guys, and soon possesses his and Ruby's mute daughter Emily to personally take revenge on his ex-lover...

Ruby is a pretty good horror film. The plot is decently written, and had very neat pacing! It's never boring, and never shows off too much or too little at a time. Ruby's overall atmosphere is nice and ooky, and there are some great setpieces. One scene, however, is a total Exorcist ripoff!


There is a pretty big problem I had with the plot though. It's unclear whether or not Ruby's 'boys' are the ones who shot Nicky. If they are, why is Ruby ok with them?

Aside from that annoying bit of confusion, the plot is otherwise fine, and the ending is nicely fitting!...Until the last ten seconds, anyway! The 'shock' moment completely botches the whole point of the ending! From what I can gather, this abrupt 'shocker' pissed Curtis Harrington off something fierce!

Another issue I have with Ruby's ending is that I wish we would've had a bit of conclusion for Emily. At least it didn't end depressingly for her.


The acting in Ruby is all decent. Piper Laurie is great as Ruby Claire! The character may be pretty unlikeable, but she's Laurie's fantastically over-the-top, and unhinged comes the end!

Janit Baldwin is great as Emily, but unfortunately underused. Without saying a word, she relies entirely on her physical expressions and actions, and she succeeds very well! And then there's when 'she' talks! She can look scared, look diabolical, and she's also absolutely adorable! Look at her!


The effects in Ruby are good, especially the 'ghostly hurricane', and the death scenes are very stylish and well-put together!...Except for one, where it looks like the guy's getting the crap beaten out of him by the film's edits!

The scoring is atmospheric and effective, and complement the movie so well!


Ruby is a nifty horror film, and for the vast majority of its runtime, I enjoyed it greatly! I recommend it, but make sure to pause the ending and switch the movie off in the last ten seconds, so you can get the ending's true effect, and not get pissed off...

The Amazing Mr. Blunden (1972)

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Geez, am I glad that I decided to go to the local markets today! I was originally not going to go, but when I woke up, I was too tired to object to being dragged down, and I'm the better for it, as if I'd stayed in bed, I wouldn't have found out about the fantastic The Amazing Mr. Blunden!...

Kids horror films are usually a pretty sorry affair. Even if the movies or TV shows in question aren't bad, they're not often particularly frightening, as they're always holding back in-case they 'scare the kiddies too much'. Screw that! Scare the little brats as much as possible! Scare them until their skin violently flies off their body!


1972's The Amazing Mr. Blunden isn't strictly a horror film, but it shares many qualities, despite what the fun-happy title would leave you to believe. It led me to assume this was a joy-ridden comedy!...

One night, a mysterious lawyer named Mr. Blunden visits Mrs. Allen, a widower. He tells her about a caretaking job at a lavish but in disrepair mansion out in the countryside. As Mrs. Allen is poor, in debt, and has three children to support, so she jumps at the job...although when she visits the law firm the next day, they're most surprised to know that Mr. Blunden of all people was in any way capable of doing anything...

Mrs. Allen's two grownup kids Lucy and Jamie first hear about the estate's supposed ghosts from the cryptic Mr. Blunden, and they soon come across them-Sara and Georgie. The two spirits tell their story about about their cruel housekeeper and semi-guardian plotted to murder them, for their money. Sara and Georgie may not actually be dead after all, as they've been traveling to the present using a potion, which they instruct Lucy and Jamie to brew and drink, so they can help prevent the terrible things about to happen. Lucy and Jamie soon realize how desperately the need to when they find a gravestone with Sara and Georgie's names on it...


The Amazing Mr. Blunden is a very mature kids film! It always takes itself seriously, and the story it tells is a very smart. It's very well written, with elements of ghosts, mental time travel, predeterminism, and of trying to correct dire mistakes of the past, all going together perfectly! This is a pretty dark film, and certainly moreso than usual kids movie fare, and it doesn't shy away from grim themes, even if the ending is a happy one. So many filmmakers assume kids are stupid, and need simple watered down scary-lite movies, but stuff like The Watcher in the Woods and this (among hopefully others) prove that it's certainly possible to make intelligent and scary movies for kids.


When it comes to this movie's genre, I have no idea what to class it as. It's not an adventure, nor mystery, or horror. It's a bit of a hodgepodge of genres.

My only problem with this move is the title! At first I was annoyed by Laurence Naismith's lack of screentime, but as the movie went on, I realized he had an effective amount. What mainly bugged me about his lack of presence at first was that he's in the title, but he is important enough to the plot that I could let that slide...if not for the use of the word 'amazing', which makes this sound like a fun panto romp with him in charge. Also, The Amazing Mr. Blunden? That title is a bit too chipper for the subject matter.


The ending is very good! Rather than just wrap up in under a New York minute, it's actually given due time to properly wrap everything up! There is what could potentially be seen as a bit of a contrivance at the very end given the lineage that comes up, but could potentially just be a little white lie-A sneaky provision by Sara.

Speaking of the ending, the credits are pretty unique and interesting! Think the end of a stage play!

The Amazing Mr. Blunden's characters are nicely written. Lucy and Jamie make for very good leads, as does Sara. Georgie does less, though, as he's a much younger kid. The film's villain is decent. More on her down below.


The villain's husband seems like just a nothing character at first, as given he's either mentally disabled, or brain damaged, he doesn't have a personality on display, but come the end, it makes him a pretty effective villain. He's a tough brute who can't be reasoned with, or easily stopped.

And finally, onto the film's best character, Mr. Blunden himself. He's a tragic and memorable figure, and his efforts to right his wrongs from the past make for a compelling story.


The acting here is largely very good, and there are no bad performances, which is very impressive, given the amount of child actors present. Diana Dors is over-the-top as the villain, but still good, depending on your point-of-view. Meanwhile, Laurence Naismith gives a fantastic performance, making the most of his rather brief screentime.

The scoring is good, but is either absent, or too low-key, in more than a few scenes, so while there are a few memorable tracks, quite a few leave little impression.


The Amazing Mr. Blunden is one of my new favourite movies, and I wholeheartedly recommend it, especially for Halloween!...

Annie (1982)

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1982 musical Annie is a film that I was worried about going in, as I'd heard negative rumours aplenty about the movie's quality, but I was far from disappointed by it!...

Annie is a 10-year-old orphan living under the 'care' of the cruel drunkard Miss Hannigan. Her crummy life is interrupted one day when billionaire Oliver Warbucks decides to temporarily take in an orphan for a publicity stunt. Annie is ecstatic at the opportunity to live in Warbucks' vast mansion, and she quickly makes friends with all the staff, eventually the uninterested Mr. Warbucks himself, who decides to permanently adopt her. Soon enough, the two go on a search for Annie's real parents, if they're still alive, but unfortunately their efforts attract the attention of a deceitful pair of one-bit thieves...


Annie is nicely paced and quick for a two hour movie, and it has a very well-written plot! The 'father-daughter' relationship between Annie and Oliver Warbucks is very well handled! As far as the original Annie stage musical's lyricist is concerned, this is a terrible movie that simplifies and dumbs everything from the play down, but to me, that simply isn't the case at all.

The title character of Annie is great! She's a very likeable and endearing lead character, with plenty of heart, compassion, and all-round character! Annie is awesome, make no mistake about that! She punches out bullies, and sings to FDR!

Oliver 'Daddy' Warbucks is a nicely well-rounded character. Rather than just being a totally cold dick to start with who gets thawed out by Annie, he instead always has a softer side-He's just one of those people who's good without being all that nice. Though of course, he is still touched by Annie's spirit, and made a happier and kinder person-The movie is just less cliched about it than others.


The villains of this film aren't quite as well-handled. Rooster and his Bernadette Peters-helmed sidekick appear just enough to have enough screentime, but I wish they had more scenes. Miss Hannigan on the other hand is another pretty decently rounded character!

The acting in Annie is very good. Aileen Quinn has a lot of work in not only carrying a movie, but a musical at that, and she succeeds beautifully! She's a great singer, a fine actress, and she never comes across as cute in a forced way-She naturally exudes pure cuteness!

By the way, a funny aside. It sure must've been confusing for the young girl to have won both a Best Young Actress award from one outlet, and a Worst Supporting Actress one from another! But then again, that latter 'award' came from the Razzies, and everyone knows they're not a real awards function-They're just a bunch of dicks.

Albert Finney is great as the boisterous and loud Oliver Warbucks, while Ann Reinking is good as the nice Grace Farrell, although she sort-of phases out of the movie after a while. She still shows up now and again, mostly in the background of scenes, and she's in the final musical number, but it's not much.


Carol Burnett is a riot as the lush Miss Hannigan, and Tim Curry is a good villain, with a decent American accent to boot! Geoffrey Holder makes for a memorable character in appearance, even if it is baffling why a black guy is playing an Indian named Punjab (Still, could be worse-It could be a white guy playing the ethnic role!). Holder even gets to let out his iconic laugh at one point, despite the character's otherwise stoic nature in the rest of the film! The rest of the acting is fine, their singing is all pitch-perfect, and not one child actor here is bad! Hooray!

The songs in Annie are great! From Tomorrow, to Maybe, You're Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile, and Hard Knock Life, by far the film's (and by extension, the stage musical's) most famous number. Tomorrow is reprised twice in the movie, and thankfully it doesn't get old or overused. The space between its uses is long enough, and it fits perfectly in all the scenes it's sung in, making them completely!


Funnily enough, the only songs in this movie I didn't much like were the ones written specifically for it, rather than taken from the stage play, such as the Dumb Dog, and Sandy ones. They were over too quickly, and weren't very punchy or greatly written. I also didn't like the overlong last third of the Let's Go To the Movies number.

The staging and choreography of a lot of the musical numbers in Annie is great, from the iconic Hard Knock Life, to more extravagant ones such as Let's Go To the Movies (blech), or the glorious final song!

One last thing to note about Annie is that I'm very thankful for frilly and huge 1930's style undergarments, because it makes the movie's habit of the younger actresses frequently flashing the camera slightly less creepy, by just a smidge.


Annie is a great musical, and a very joyful movie! It left me with a huge smile on my face come the end, and I highly recommend it!...

Santa Claus (1985)

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Santa Claus is truly one of the enduring figures of Christmas, despite debilitating setbacks such as his weight, or getting beaten up by Patrick Swayze after attempted theft. He's a jolly old bearer of gifts who even gets plenty of great movies based on him!...And about three times more bad ones, but don't tell him that in your letters, otherwise he may start emulating that Weird Al Yankovic song!...

Long ago, in the cold ends of the Earth, a man named Claus takes great pleasure in giving personally handmade presents to all the children he can reach. One night, he and his wife are nearly killed in a snowstorm after a delivery, and are saved by a group of Elves. The mystical people were expecting Claus, and have prepared a vast toy workshop, from where he can produce toys for every child in the world. Christening him Santa Claus, and giving him immortality and a variety of magical abilities, the elves are ecstatic, and Claus is ready to take on his newfound expanded duty.

In the present day, Santa makes friends with two kids-The homeless Joe, and the orphan Cornelia. They're both entranced by the jolly red man, but after his chief assistant Patch ruins Christmas, they're among the only ones still supportive of Santa Claus...

Santa Claus is a very nice Christmas movie, with many great aspects! This film does something surprising by actually giving Santa a character! I'm sure that other movies have done this (Ernest Saves Christmas, and the Miracle on 34th Street films come to mind), but in most media, he's more of a template (a good one, mind you) than he is a well-rounded character. The mythology behind Santa presented here is very well-done too! This movie takes Christmas seriously, with more than enough joy in its telling!

The story here is decent, and great concerning Santa, but unfortunately it focuses too much on the wrong character (I'll elaborate below), and doesn't spend enough time with its two child supporting leads. They get just enough scenes, but still too few by far! What's worse is that they're quite well-written characters, and their friendship is quite a nice one, but it's not given enough attention. My final problem with Santa Claus' plot is that its ending is really abrupt and rushed, while the final stinger is an oddly dark way to end the movie, which had just seemed to finish on a very happy note.

Now onto my biggest issue with Santa Clause-Patch! I don't care if he's played by Dudley Moore-Patch is an unlikeable sack of crap! His constant pathetic mistakes are the catalyst for all the movie's problems! He's a smug and petulant asshole who never, ever stops making terrible elf puns, and makes many a scene extremely uncomfortable in an otherwise charming movie! He ruins Christmas for a YEAR! He causes Santa to fall into deep depression!

The acting in Santa Claus is middling. Dudley Moore is dull when he's not annoying, while John Lithgow plays his role as the film's villain incredibly over-the-top, to a highly entertaining degree! Carrie Kei Heim is cute, and a largely decent actress. Her delivery is a tad weak at times, but nothing too serious. Christian Fitzpatrick isn't quite as good, but still decent. And finally, we get to David Huddleston, in what is quite possibly the best performance of his entire career! The man gets across so many emotions so fantastically, whether sadness or joy, and his Santa is undoubtedly one of my all-time favourites!

The score to Santa Claus is quite good, with the best song being Thank You, Santa, but unfortunately it's only played for about half-a-minute, then never heard again. What's worse is that the song played over the end credits is sssssssssooooooooooooooooooooooooooo REPETITIVE! It never stops playing the chorus! It's sung like fifty times! LITERALLY! There's a special place in hell for songs so bad they make me want Sheena Easton to shut up!

The effects in this movie are decent. The green screen shots when Santa's flying his sleigh are rather well-done, while the reindeer are cute! Obviously not real animals, but good nonetheless. As for the look of Santa's workshop, and the costume design for the elves, it's all incredibly colourful and vast!

Santa Claus is a great Christmas movie! It has quite a few problems, but it's still a fine thing to watch in this season of joy!...

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1966)

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Even before its inclusion on riffing show Mystery Science Theatre 3000, Santa Clause Conquers the Martians has always notorious for being one of the worst films ever made, right up there with Plan 9 from Outer Space! Like Plan 9, this movie has a cult following thanks to how 'so bad its good' people see it as, rather than being just irredeemably dreadful...


Children all over the planet Mars are feeling depressed, not caring to eat, and heavily drawn to Earth TV programs. The planet's leader Ki-Mar sets to find out what's causing this mood shift, and soon realizes that Mars needs a Santa Claus. He goes to Earth with some compatriots and kidnaps Santa, along with two kids, Billy and Betty, who he had divulge Santa's location. They head back to Mars, where Santa makes a positive impression on everyone but the aggressive Voldar, who seeks to destroy Santa Claus before he can 'sap the warrior spirit' from the Martian youth...

As far as I think, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians isn't really much of a bad film in the slightest! Sure, it doesn't look great, but it has such an air of fun to it that there's no way I could consider putting it on any worst lists!...Well, minus the effects, but that goes without saying. My point is that I have seen a LOT of really BAD movies, and lemme tell you, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is no Feeders 2!


While the plot to this movie is entertaining in a fun and kitsch, it is very is dumb, and has quite a a few plot contrivances, such as Santa and the kids escaping a soon-to-be-decompressing airlock by going through an air vent!...In an airlock!  And then there's the climax, where Voldar, the armed 'proud warrior Martian', is easily defeated by glitter guns, bubbles, and flimsy remote control airplanes! One scene in particular many find weird and disturbing-The laughing scene!

The dialogue is pretty standard, albeit clumsy in places, and there are a couple of mildly amusing moments, like Santa's line about chocolate ice cream and headaches. Then we get to the hilariously lazily named main Martian family-Mo-Mar, Bo-Mar, Gir-Mar, and the more subtly named Ki-Mar (as in King, I assume).


The acting in this movie is largely decent. John Call makes for a very good Santa, looking perfect in the role and acting suitably jolly, while the film's child actors are not as good, especially the two Martian kids (one of which is the infamous Pia Zadora, star of notorious film The Lovely Lady, and subject to the Anne Frank stage production "She's in the attic!" myth regarding the supposed quality of her acting). The actor who plays Voldar technically isn't all that good, but he exudes a villainous charm with his delivery that makes quite entertaining. The character of Dropo is bound to be annoying to some, but is mildly tolerable to others, such as me.

The effects in Santa Claus Conquers the Martians are unequivocally terrible, in a charming way, from the coffee-can headed robot Torg, to the propane-lighter spaceships, the incredibly fake sets, and a polar bear costume faker than the cat in Miranda July's The Future!


There are a few moments of archive footage in the movie's first third, which are pretty unnecessary, but not superfluous, as it is at least showing something of significance. It's just something of significance that isn't really required. Thankfully the quality of its film stock does mesh with the proper film's if you're watching the HD version, though not so much when you're viewing the crummy print Public Domain version.

This movie's score is ok, if eclectic, and the main theme, Hooray for Santy Claus, is listenable, in a fun camp kinda way.


Overall, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is a dumb film, but it's immensely enjoyable, whether you're watching the hysterically funny MST3K version or not. I recommend it if you're looking for something light and fluffy to watch for the Christmas season...

Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas (1977)

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It's a well-documented fact that muppets are adorable, and trying to deny it will result in your inevitable violent death at the hands of murderous Snuffaluffaguses (also known as Anthropophaguses). They've certainly been a well-traveled type of puppets, from properties such as, of course, The Muppets, to Sesame Street, and 1977 TV movie musical Emmet Otter's Jug Band Christmas...

Emmet is a young otter living in a small lakeside town. He and his mother are very poor, but still want to get each-other a great Christmas present, so they both, without the other realizing, enter a talent competition to win prize money...


Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas is a mixed bag. On one hand, while a bit trite, the plot isn't badly cliched, and it's never boring or poorly written, but I also just never found it to be all that interesting. Also, the climax ends kinda depressingly!...But things all turn out ok following that, obviously, as films like these never want to make you jump off a building for long.

The movie is only 49 minutes long, and I wish it was longer, but it's never rushed, ill-paced, nor does the running time adversely affect the plot, thankfully.


The musical numbers here are nice. The singing is good, as are the lyrics, some of the time. Other times, they're...'interesting'! On a different note, who knew Paul Williams would ever write a song like There Ain't No Hole in the Washtub! But then again, who'd think he'd appear as a Faustian record executive in a Brian de Palma rock-opera 'horror' musical! The guy's sure had a very varied career!

The Jim Henson designed puppets in this film look great! They're not convincing at all, but they're not trying to be. They're well-designed, and most importantly, their actions and dialogue synch up well. The locations are fake in that deliberately obvious way, which'd be fine if not for the strings you occasionally see. Regardless, they're very well-crafted sets!

The acting in this movie is all ok. There are no bad performances, and like I said, the singing's decent.


All in all, I found Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas to be a tiny bit meh, but it is watchable, and has a good soundtrack, so if you're in the mood for Christmas-related hijinks involving adorable Jim Henson puppets, then I recommend it. It's not like it'll eat up too much of your time...

A Christmas Study of Goodbye, 20th Century! (1998)

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This may come as a surprise to you, but a Macedonian arthouse film about Santa Claus bringing about the apocalypse actually has artistic merit! Tonight, I'll be presenting you with an essay I've written on what I believe Goodbye, 20th Century means...

In the year 2019, the world has fallen into chaos after a catastrophe. In the Balkan wastes, a religious tribe are about to execute a man named Kuzman, for heresy that they believe caused misfortune to befall them. However, when they gun Kuzman down, he gets right back up again. After further attempts, the tribe believe Kuzman to be cursed, and warn him to stay away from them. Later that night, he's approached by a mysterious barber and prophet, who cryptically tells of what Kuzman must do to learn how he can finally die...

In the year 1999, it's New Year's Eve, and still the Christmas season in Macedonia, due to their Orthodox beliefs. A rent-a-Santa goes back to his apartment, where his landlord and others are holding a wake for a dead man. The proceedings quickly and violently turn to chaos, and it's up to Santa to stop the entropy, by any means necessary...


Goodbye, 20th Century is part post-apocalyptic movie, part re-imagining of the Noah's Ark parable, infused with Macedonian culture and history. To briefly review the film, it's entertaining, thoughtful, and is very well paced! If you're just watching for a good movie, and don't want to have to read artistic themes and messages into anything, then Goodbye 20th Century does stand on its own, and the two stories it tells are extremely varied, and tie together well! The post-apocalypse segment is really only made up of four scenes, but takes up nearly fifty minutes of film. These scenes either have quite a bit happening, or are long dialogue exchanges, and to last as long as they do and remain compelling, never boring, is a great feat! The soundtrack to this movie is especially good. It's moody and evocative in some places. There's also a nice Christmas song! And then there's the licensed music, from Frank Zappa's Cocaine Decisions, to Sid Vicious' My Way, which fit in perfectly, the latter especially so! The effects are quite good too (minus when the Joker lookalike gets shot), and the locations great! The only problem I have with the movie is one really out-of-place extended fart joke, and what else happens during this brief moment. It's baffling! On that note, there's a scene fifty minutes in where the camera flies into a toilet while playing grand music, and emerges in space, where the title flies by, then is hit by a comet. This may too seem like a really bizarre and out-of-place scene, but it's right before a very flashy New Years TV presentation show, so this could just be the opening to that. Most importantly, Goodbye, 20th Century rarely feels pretentious. Not even the scene with the gun-toting Joker lookalike who quote's Bob Dylan's Death is Not the End!


Without further ado, onto the analysis of this film...

Goodbye 20th Century is divided in two large stories, with a very small, but important segment in-between. In the first story, set in the post-apocalyptic future, Kuzman, the man cursed with immortality, sets out to find the 'Wall of Names and Fates', where everyone's destinies are written. The second segment is a brief silent film, showing an incestuous wedding that ends in murder when the groom is shot to death by his family. The third and final segment is about Santa at a funeral wake that has devolved into disrespect and violence, leading him to 'push the button on doomsday', sparing one man to have him build an ark for the upcoming disaster. Numerous aspects connect these stories together, that I'll get into further down below.


Negative legacy seems to be a big theme in Goodbye, 20th Century. The world of this movie is not kind to children. Kuzman's 'lewd' acts in front of a fresco of a saint causes the tribe's children to die, while back in 1999, the children we see are rude, cruel, and willingly partake in the erupting chaos. This is why Santa kills them along with the older people at the wake, as while they may not have had enough time to mature and become genuinely rotten like the adults, Santa could see into the future, and knew that they would indeed get worse, and are therefore just as culpable as the adults. Also, the adults at the wake may be reflections of what the kids would grow up to be like in the future. And when Santa shoots the seemingly innocent old widow, it could potentially be because she represents the people responsible for the raising this generation that led to their current cruel nature.

Kuzman's problems with immortality seem to stem from his own encounter with Santa as a child, when he calls the polite jolly red man an ugly asshole. This could be evocative of the Wandering Jew story, about the man who insulted Jesus at the crucifixion, and was cursed to walk the Earth until the Second Coming. Meanwhile, the legacy of such acts seems to have long-lasting consequences in the future of 2019, where there are forums who view children as disgusting and cruel, and wish for them to be forced into a separate ghetto, away from everyone else.


The other big theme of this movie is cyclical time. The sins of the past carry on through the present and the future, mirroring each-other, as these same acts perpetually doom humanity and drag down its morality. This is represented through a building that we see has a perpetually violent history, from the silent film showing the incestuous wedding, and the murder it caused, and the wake that signals the apocalypse. But, this same location of chaos and violence also becomes a hallowed ground, housing the Wall of Names and Fates, from which humanity can potentially correct their mistakes, and break free from the negative cycle.

One particularly interesting motif is the recurring scream, which you hear in Kuzman's first  attempted execution, when he's traversing into the place with The Wall of Names and Fates, and when Santa kills the old widow at the end. The sound seems to signify the collective echoing anguish and suffering of humanity. ...Yes, I'm fully aware of how pretentious this is making me sound.


The character of Santa* likely represents God, showing resignation and apocalyptic fury at the violent and ill-natured state of the world, while the immortal barber who shows up in each segment is a prophet, who's despondent at humanity's mistakes, and seems to want to help them rise up over them and into purity.

*Technically he's only a rent-a-Santa, but if he's literally God, then I'm sure I can consider him as being literally Santa too. Plus, he plays Jingle Bells when destroying the world, so there.

Incest is another big theme in Goodbye, 20th Century, but I haven't the faintest idea what it's meant to signify.

Now to address a couple of potential goofs that could in fact be deliberate aspects to the movie. The first is part of the film's written opening narration, which talks of the apocalypse, and how only the animals survived, before immediately showing people. This could be mind-numbing stupidity on the part of the writer, or it could be a deliberate comparison, to show the savagery of the people of 2019.


The other possible goof is the fact that in this post-apocalyptic world, trees are said to be all gone, yet we clearly see trees in some scenes, and fruit figures very heavily into one scene (from what I can tell, apples were an aphrodisiac, or something like that, in Greece, so their use in that scene makes sense, and isn't forced pretentious imagery). Perhaps the reason for this is that Kuzman's tribe is in a self imposed life in the wastelands of the Balkans (just as Moses and the Isrealites did in the deserts of wherever) as part of a penance to God, and that's why they miss the trees. For all intents and purposes, they no longer exist to them, hence why the feel as if they're all gone, and thus refuse to talk about them. The dialogue doesn't explicitly say why they're all gone, and the wording of the establishing conversation is definitely accommodating to my theory, given its wording.


So, that ends this essay. Am I correct in my theories, or am I just looking into things too much? No idea, but speculation on art films is fun regardless. I seriously do dig art films, but for me to enjoy them, they actually have to mean something. Anyone who makes a movie that's two hours of a car driving who claims their work is high art is a fucking asshole, and needs to stay away from movies! I want things to actually happen in art films, that I can draw intelligently crafted themes and meanings from. That Goodbye, 20th Century is! If you're looking for an intelligent art film about cyclical time, or just a general insane Christmas movie full of post-apocalyptic antics, and Santa destroying the world, that'll leave you wanting to listen to some X-Ray Spex, then I recommend it!...

The Twilight Zone: Night of the Meek (1960)

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Anthology TV series The Twilight Zone certainly did offer a lot to its audiences, from horror either straight or of the psychological kind, to science fiction, to fantasy! In the case of Night of the Meek, it's a much more kind-hearted story than the dark series is usually known for...


Henry Corwin is a mall-Santa, who's unemployed for most of the year, and spends most of it drunk and despondent. He's devastated that he can't do anything to help those in need on Christmas Day, and wishes just once, that he could be a true giftgiver. Soon after, he comes across a seemingly magical sack that produces whatever present anyone desires....


Night of the Meek is a wonderful Christmas story! It's a poignant tale, very well-written, and all-too-short. It has an air of Christmas spirit and joy, and there are some great dramatic bits of dialogue from Corwin, as well as plenty of character, both for Corwin, and for the grumpy store manager who's won over by Christmas cheer.

The only problem some might have with this is the ending. They might find it a bit too much, and I can definitely understand where they're coming from, as without this coda, the episode would have had a much more subtle conclusion, but I like it. It's a nice and sweet Christmas-y ending.


The acting in Night of the Meek is great all-round! Art Carney delivers a very powerful performance as Henry Corwin, and is definitely one of the best Santas to have ever graced the silver screen!

I highly recommend Night of the Meek as part of your Christmas lineup! It really is one of the best things you could be watching, whether alone or with family, on Christmas Day!...

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

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Wow, an Australian Christmas that wasn't at least forty degrees! That's not common in these parts! There wasn't even a single time where I had to painstakingly beat a snake to death with a blunt axe! Needless to say, my Christmas was fun! Among my presents were the latest Stephen King book, a CD of Supergrass, a Game of Thrones Westeros glass mug, a Doctor Who TARDIS mug, a Doctor Who trivial pursuit game (that I literally know all the answers to!), a longbox that I have no idea how to assemble, and the complete run of comic series It Girl and the Atomics, among other presents!

The day was slow to start, as my relations weren't already here come Christmas Eve, but drove down on Xmas Day, so I only had a couple of presents to open before having to wait nearly five hours (I got up at 7:00, which is unusual for me-I guess my body just knows when it's Christmas!). I wiled away the time watching Atop the Fourth Wall episodes, reading Shortpacked, playing a calm game of Ninja Gaiden, and picking out a nice Questionable Content shirt to wear for the special day. Come lunchtime, everyone had since arrived, and after a lunch of turkey, chicken, ham, hard-boiled eggs, cucumber, and a whole host of other assorted vegetables that I refused to touch, there was a delicious dessert of Trifle and Pavlova!...That I was too full to eat!

When it came to the TV, there was very little Christmassy on. Only a few movies from the last couple of years, all having two stars or less in the TV guide! And Christmas Eve had four Xmas flicks, all one star! So I ended up watching The Sound of Music, which was he best thing on TV at night.

I hope all of you had a great Christmas, or happy other holidays, depending on what you celebrate. And I bet most of you lucky bastards got to have beautiful snow for yours. For me, snow is an unattainable myth.

Happy holidays, and a merry Patrick Swayze Christmas to you!...


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