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The Worst Witch: Season 2 (1999-2000)

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When it comes to reviewing TV series The Worst Witch, I said most of what I can say about it as a whole in my Series 1 review, so I'll get right into reviewing the individual episodes of Series 2. First though, there are a few bases I'd like to touch upon (and yes, I am writing this post as if you've already read the Series 1 review, as I am FAR too busy to be more accommodating).

First things first, the character of Ethel Hallow has been recast, and the show is hilariously self-referential about it in the season's opening episode, addressing the casting change in an amusing way!

Teachers Miss Bat and Miss Drill are oddly at each-other's throats in many episodes in the series' first half, which feels pretty out-of-nowhere, but it's not annoying or poorly written, so I don't mind the sudden shift so much

Series 2 introduces the character of Sybil Hallow, and she's my favourite in the whole series, next to Mildred! She starts off as a seemingly problematic character, and one might think that her always crying could be something serious that the show is just playing for laughs like a jerk, but you'll quickly realize that's not the case. Sybil starts out extremely timid, often prone to bursting into tears at the slightest provocation, but grows as a character, rather than just being the butt of jokes for crying a lot.


Ok, let's dig in...

Old Hats and New Brooms

It's a new school year at Cackle's Academy for Young Witches, and Mildred Hubble is trying to be kind to an impressionable new student, Sybil. Unbeknownst to Millie and friends, Sybil is Ethel Hallow's sister, and has had her head filled with nasty falsehoods of 'Mildred Hubble worst witch of the entire school', leaving her terrified...

This is an entertaining season opener, with great characters, and it's very funny, such as with Miss Bat's belief that there's such a place as 'Inner Mongolia' (as otherwise, why's there an Outer Mongolia, in her words). My only issue with Old Hats and New Brooms is her Mongolian Undertone Chanting, which is kinda grating.


The casting change of Ethel is distracting at first, but only for this episode, I found. Katy Allen quickly moulds into the role and really makes it her own.

Alarms and Diversions

The Cackle's Academy caretaker Mr. Blossom has installed a new security system into the school, and the school is quick to react to training drills, except for Mildred, who sleeps in during a drill, then rushes out to defuse what she thinks is a genuine emergency. Unfortunately, Mildred's efforts to help out land her in hot water...

Alarms and Diversions is a funny-as-usual episode, with quite a few particularly amusing moments in mind. The finale is very loud, thanks to the tornado, and the alarm system, but it's never annyoing, nor is the dialogue ever drowned out.

Especially hilarious is the academy's 'Break glass in case of emergency' container, which doesn't contain a fire axe, or anything of the like, but a broom!

It's A Frog's Life

Ever since Mildred saved Sybil from a magical tornado, the hero-struck Hallow has been following her around. A frustrated Mildred eventually goes off at a vindictive Ethel, angrily insulting the Hallow name. Later, when Mildred's sleeping, a vengeful Ethel turns her into a frog...

It's A Frog's Life is an amusing episode, and nicely creative. I especially like that things come from its events, rather than it simply being a one-off story. The only real problem is that it's meant to be a mystery who turned Millie into a frog, but it's obviously very obvious.


Georgina Sherrington carries the episode for most of the episode's runtime with just her voice, and she does very well. Especially adorable is the distorted frog voice she gets at times.

The effects for the leaping frog (Millie) is pretty bad in places, but it's no big deal for this show

Crumpets for Tea

After the events of last episode, Mildred is determined to restore Algernon the wizard back from a frog to human. She sees an opportunity to restore him when the Grand Wizard Egbert Hellibore is due to visit Cackle's for the Halloween celebrations, but things are complicated when Millie is banned from attending, due to recent events...

Following the previous episode's events nicely, Crumpets for Tea is a fine episode which plainly shows just how determined Mildred can be, and how far she'll go to help out a friend in trouble.

Drusilla is very entertaining here, possibly moreso than any other episode she's in, from her bug-handling ways, to her use of the word suchlike (I love England!), etc.

One aspect of the episode that only just doesn't make sense is Grand Wizard Hellebore's attitude towards Mildred, and Cackles Academy to an extent. He's wary about the academy, and angrily distrustful of Mildred, and both would make sense if this was the character's first appearance since A Mean Hallowe'en in Series 1, but it isn't. He appeared in Sweet Talking Boys, and not only was he completely complementary there to Cackle's, but to Mildred as well. I'm not sure what to take issue with here, Hellibore's possibly too positive attitude in Sweet Talking Boys, or his suddenly hostile one here, so I don't think I'll pick either.

Apparently there's been a casting change here for Hellibore, but I've never noticed. Effective use of make-up/beard-up, I guess.

The Inspector Calls

Cackle's Academy is due for an inspection, and assigned to the case is Mistress Hecate Broomhead, Miss Hardbroom's old tutor. The terrified teacher warns her fellow staff member's about the exceptionally domineering and hostile Broomhead, and they plan on making sure the school is in perfect condition on the inspection, which includes such steps as removing and hiding all the friendly bats, and Mildred herself. Meanwhile, in an effort to get in Millie's good books, Sybil resolves to get her bats back from where Miss Hardbroom hid them with help from Fenny and Griz...


The Inspector Calls is possibly my favourite episode of Worst Witch Series 2! The writing is solid, funny, the ending is hilarious, and we get character development from Sybil! Charlotte Knowles is great here!

Janet Henfrey is perfectly evil as Hecate Broomhead, and the rest of the acting is great.

Animal Magic

There's a blizzard outside, and the girls of Cackle's are stuck doing exercise until Grand Wizrd Hellibore, Algernon Rowan-Webb, as well as Merlin, Baz, and Gaz come over, to take refuge from the weather. Using his position as Master of the Revels, Rowan-Webb declares the rest of the day a half-holiday, much to the chagrin of Miss Hardbroom, and Hellibore.With the whole school under upside-down day rules, the students have lots of fun games, despite the attempted interference of Baz and Gaz, while the teachers are stuck in class. Soon, a frustrated Hellibore challenges Rowan-Webb to a shapeshifting duel in order to return things to normal...

Animal Magic is another favourite of mine from this season, not because it's the best written, but because it all-round has an atmosphere of fun. The whole episode is of joyful celebrations, and amusing reversals of roles, such as Fenny and Griz acting as teachers, and the staff stuck in menial class (resulting in Miss Hardbroom and Cackle failing their potions test).

The acting here is hilarious, especially the aggravatedly* stoic Miss Hardbroom, courtesy of Kate Duchene, and Richard Durden as Grand Wizard Hellibore.

*Yes, yes, I know that's not technically a real word, but it should be.

Carried Away/The Dragon's Hoard

The second-years of Cackle's Academy are spending their half-term holiday at Algernon Rowan-Webb's new seaside house, but unfortunately for Mildred, she's not allowed to bring Tabby with her, due to his displeasure of flying. She secretly brings him along anyway, instead of the replacement she was meant to bring, and   Meanwhile, Rowan-Webb's new understudy/apprentice Merlin, having heard mysterious whispering in a nearby cave, accidentally releases Lord Dunston, the long-trapped dragon lord...


This is a two-parter that I had conflicting opinions about as I watched. At first I was entertained, but then I started to get impatient with it. It wasn't boring, but I wasn't really enjoying myself a whole lot either. Then the dragon lord plot started, and I felt it was pretty railroaded into the story, pointlessly and unnecessarily extending it to two parts. However, as The Dragon's Hoard went on, I progressively enjoyed it more and more, until come the end, I did enjoy the entire story.

This is a well-written two-parter, which makes good use of recurring characters, and has an interesting 'antagonist'. The effects are pretty bad in one case though-The make-up for the dragon lord is pretty unconvincing, looking like silver greasepaint has been smeared all over the actor.

The Genius of the Lamp

Back at Cackle's Academy, while the second-years are at Rowan-Webb's seaside house, the first years are growing especially displeased at the school's gloomy conditions, specifically Sybil and Clarice. With Miss Drill and Bat's permission, the two look through some magic books, under the pretense of creating a light spell, and soon enough, they have their very own magic lamp. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to Sybil and Clarice, whenever the lamp conjures something up, it destroys something else...

It's with this episode where you'll realize that Sybil is in a way The Worst Witch's other main character, as while she doesn't appear as much as Maud, Enid, and the others, she's the only character besides Mildred to get her own episodes. The Genius of the Lamp is the first of two Sybil-centric eps, where neither Mildred, nor the majority of the cast appears. I really appreciate these episodes, as they show off what Cackle's is like for the show's secondary characters, and it's great to see more of Sybil! She's one of my favourite characters in the show, so I'm glad she gets more than just a few scenes in a few eps here and there.


Sybil's character is developed nicely here, and while her actions leading up to the climax aren't necessarily likeable, they're definitely understandable, given her life, and she's a pretty sympathetic character.

This episode does have one glaring issue, however-Miss Semolina, the new cook for Cackle's. She's an out-of-nowhere new character, and that wouldn't be too bad, if not for the fact that she's a total copy of Miss Tapioca, from the name, down to the Italian accent!

Up in the Air

Once again, Charlie, nephew of the Cackles school caretaker Mr. Blossom, is at Cackle's, this time with aspirations to become a witch. Miss Cackle is intrigued by the idea, and let's Charlie take an exam, which will allow him to become a pupil on a trail basis. Things go awry, however, when Millie and co. see that he's not performing the test all that well, and Enid magically helps him along, inadvertently creating a ruckus, which may mean the end of Charlie's time at Cackle's before it's even started...

Up in the Air is a fun episode, and while you do want to smack Enid upside the head for what her spell does, it's at least nifty in its effects! We get Attack of the Numbers as every digit in the castle leaps of pages/blackboards to fly around.

Recurring character Charlie appears again in this episode, after a lengthy absence (which Series 3 makes up for), and he remains a likeable addition, with a good plot surrounding him.

Fair is Foul and Fouls Are Fair

It's close to the end of term, and in an effort to alleviate the antsy schoolgirls of Cackle's, Miss Drill sets up a basketball match between the second-years and another school, Heversham High. The girls are forbidden by Miss Drill to use any magic, but after the first half, they're losing 0-44, and have to do something, fast...

This is a well-written and funny episode. It's funny seeing the basketball-inexperienced Cackle's girls getting demolished, and equally so seeing  how they set about magically winning the game. Especially funny is Miss Bat, who is feeling particularly hard-done-by by Miss Hardbroom's stern attitude. The episode's guest stars-the Heversham schoolgirls-are also amusing.

Green Fingers and Thumbs

There's a highly important potions test coming up at Cackle's, and Mildred is afraid she won't pass. She tries to gain inspiration by helping out in school caretaker Mr. Blossom's greenhouse. He's growing some prize marrows for an upcoming garden festival, which turns out to have chosen Cackle's Academy as its venue...

This is a fun episode, with an entertaining enough villain, conflict, and some neat singing!


My favourite line is definitely from Miss Hardbroom at the end, when she's talking to Mildred after having caught Ethel and Drusilla sabotaging in the act, while Millie is under the impression everything that went wrong was her fault. "The trouble with you is that you believe you're the only one who ever does anything wrong".

The Millennium Bug

Former Cackle's pupil Amanda Honeydew, now a famous pop singer, has plans to buy the academy ground, and chair of school governors Mr. Hallow will use the money to build a brand new, state of the art Cackle's Academy (an act that leads the traditionalist Miss Hardbroom to tender her resignation). While Mildred the girls do appreciate the idea, they don't think this new school will have any of the history, ookiness, and special witchy atmosphere that Cackle's should have, and set about trying to sabotage the plan...

My other favorite episode of the series, The Millennium Bug perfectly ends Series 2. It's well-written, has numerous great scenes, very nice music, and not only does Mildred shine here, but so does Sybil!

As I said, the great scenes of this episode are many, my favorites being two particular ones. The first is when Clarice convinces Sybil to try out the clarinet again, and to play how she feels, resulting in a nice blues tune, which segues perfectly into the next scene of Mildred and Miss Hardbroom discussing their time together in retrospect, which is my other favourite.
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Series 2 of The Worst Witch is my favourite. It has at least three episodes that I consider my favourite of the whole show, and is all-round a fun time! Just like the previous season, this comes highly recommended from me!...

The Worst Witch: Season 3 (2000-2001)

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To copy and paste from my previous Worst Witch review, When it comes to reviewing TV series The Worst Witch, I said most of what I can say about it as a whole in my Series 1 review, so I'll get right into reviewing the individual episodes of Series 3. First though, there are a few bases I'd like to touch upon (and yes, I am writing this post as if you've already read the Series 1 review, as I am FAR too busy to be more accommodating).

This season has quite a few cast change-ups. Una Stubbs is gone, and in her place is = as Miss Crotchet, Fenella Feverfew is now played by Emily Stride rather than Julia Malewski], and Mr. Blossom has left, replaced by his brother. The latter change is actually not entirely out-of-nowhere, because given Charlie is Mr. Blossom's nephew, it makes sense for this new character to exist, so they're not as forced as the Miss Tapioca replacement from last season. Granted, the reason given for Mr. Blossom's absence is pretty poor. It says that he went to horticultural college, which is pretty nonsensical given that he's already an expert gardener, and he's already middle-aged. Not that that's an unbelievable concept, but I can't see a middle-aged gardener bothering to go to college over it.

Ok, let's dig in...

Secret Society

Miss Drill is getting angrier and angrier at Miss Hardbroom's dismissive attitude of her, and snaps, deciding to resign.

This is a very nice episode! It has good conflict on many fields, from a fed-up Miss Drill wanting to resign, to the girls in their forming their own secret club. I especially like how the episode nicely comes full circle in the end.

The effects are decent. We get some really nifty ones at the start!

An Unforgettable Experience

It's work-experience time for the girls of Cackles  Mildred, Maud, Ethel, and Drusilla are assigned to the bakery Cosie's. Practically as soon as they arrive, Mrs. Cosie has to go to the hospital, and leaves the store in the hands of the girls. Ethel immediately and forcibly takes charge, using magic to completely alter Cosie's, from the decor, to the menu. Unfortunately, before Millie and co. can get Ethel to reverse her changes, some customers come in, including the Grand Wizard Hellibore...



At first I was worried that the Japanese characters would be made to talk like caricatures, but thankfully they just come across as not very bilingual tourists.



Which Witch is Which?


The plot to Which Witch is Which is pretty ridiculous fare, but not negatively so. It's entertaining, and while something as extravagant] as time travel hasn't been seen or mentioned the show before this point, it's not an unbelievable concept


The Witchy Hour




It's in this episode where the character of Dierdre Swoop first appears. Here, she's a stuck-up snobby bitch, but her character actually kinda grows in the sequel shows (Weirdsister College, and The New Worst Witch). I say kinda because it's entirely likely it was unintentional, but regardless, I still really like the character change.


The guest stars all do fine acting jobs,

My only problem with this episode is that it doesn't really make any sense why Miss Hardbroom reacts to Icy Stevens the way she does at the end.

Learning the Hard Way

A new teacher is temporarily at Cackle's-Gabby Gribble-and due to misunderstandings on both ends, Gabby tries to evoke = Miss Hardbroom

The first time I saw this episode, I remember the misunderstandings being cringeworthy (not in a bad way, just in that 'Ooohhh, no! I can't watch!' kind of way), but on my recent second viewing, the [impact] was lessened, so this is an episode that definittely = from a second viewing.







The Hair Witch Project





Not only is this a fun romp of an episode, it also focuses on an interesting subject-Which activities are unsuitable for school, and which are merely creative? There's a very fine line as far as teachers are concerned, as this episode shows.

It's in this episode where Miss Crotchet really comes into her own. Up until now, she was utilized very little, and The Hair Witch Project is her first big role in an episode.



And finally, the climax resolution and ending are hilarious, and I won't dare spoil them

Just Like Clockwork

Miss Cackle has to leave Cackle's for a few weeks to take care of a sick relative, and chair of governors Mr. Hallow appoints Mistress Hecate Broomhead (old enemy of Cackle's) as the school's new headmistress, with plans of letting her take the position permanently...



The returning character Hecate Broomhead is just as delightfully evil as she was last appearance, with Janet Henfrey doing a great job again! I also like that her motivations are different. Rather than just wanting to take Cackle's down again, like Sideshow Bob or something, everything she does in this episode is for a different and believable (and still of course nefarious) motivation.

The only issue is is a possible plot hole. In the Series 2 finale The Millennium Bug, Mr. Hallow and the rest of the school board of governors sold Cackle's to pop singer Amanda Honeydew, and she resold it to Miss Cackle, giving her complete control. Wouldn't that mean that Mr. Hallow no longer has a say in anything? But then again *several dozen redacted lines regarding bureaucratic red tape* I know nothing about this kind of stuff, so for all I know, the board would still stay on, regardless of what Amanda Honeydew did.

Cinderella in Boots

It's Christmas time at Cackle's Academy, and some girls are performing a panto of Cinderella, with Mildred performing the lead role, unless a scheming Ethel has her way...

A Christmas special, Cinderella in Boots is a fantastic and different episode than usual. Rather than having a more complex plot, it's instead an 'all-in-one-night' panto[ tale. It's highly amusing in many respects, from the frantic backstage nature of the production, to the performances of the characters. Especially hilarious is Miss Hardbroom having to perform as the fairy godmother to, most hilariously, and Maud as the wicked stepmother. She emulates Miss Harbroom herself for the role, and the result is one of the funniest parts of the entire show!

Art Wars

It's Art Week at Cackle's Academy, and Lynn Lamplighter, a famous artist, is over, helping the girls (and teachers) find their artistic sides. Mildred, despite her low expectations, manages to create a gorgeous painting, earning the ire of Maud...

Art Wars is my second favourite episode from this season. It's funny, has an air of creativity about it (a must for a story about art like this), and there's very well-done drama between Mildred and Maud, which doesn't play out in a cliched way, nor does it stretch on interminably! I also like poor Drusilla' constantly ruined attempts at clay modelling.

The only problem this episode has is that it furthers the confusion of whether magic is known to the outside world.

Power Drill

Miss Drill is feeling undervalued in Cackle's, especially amongst the staff, given she's not a witch, so Mildred and co. brew up a potion to temporarily give her instant magical powers, keeping it a secret. Miss Cackle, believing that Miss Drill has simply miraculously gained magical powers, decides to induct her as a witch. However, more than just Miss Drill's body has changed, and she grows harsher as her personality warps...

Power Drill is an entertaining episode, and shows once again that this show still isn't running out of ideas. Its plot is well-written, interesting,] and Claire Porter gets to play sort-of evil, which is nifty!

Another good aspect of this episode is that it elaborates more on the rules of who can use magic in the world of The Worst Witch (it comes to those from witch families easier, but anyone can learn it, providing they have years of training).

Better Dead Than Co-Ed

The third-years of Cackle's head to Camelot College, the nearby wizard school, as part of a field trip (and covertly to test out how well a co-ed system would work for a potential school merger). Mildred and co. find out about the idea and set out to sink it...

This is an entertaining episode, with some amusing battle of the sexes bureaucracy between the staff, while the students go about their own schemes of ruing the merger.

Charlie once again shows up, with his presence here furthering his character development. I'm definitely glad his aspirations to witch-hood weren't just a one-off plot point. As I said in my Series  review, I really appreciate the continuity to this show, as most kid shows only ever have self-contained stories with not much in the way of character development for anyone.

The Lost Chord

While the third-years are away at Camelot College, Cackle's is visited by Michael von Raffenburg, a supposedly world-renowned composer who seems to have taken a fancy to Miss Crotchet. However, his intentions turn out to be less than pure, and prior to his plans of performing a musical lecture to the school, the duplicitous conman plots to create an ancient magical relic known as the Lost Chord, which is only possible to make using a spell from a book found in the academy. Meanwhile, Sybil isn't fooled by Raffenburg's act, and sets out to stop him...

The Lost Chord is my favourite episode for this season! It's another secondary character spotlight episode, starring Sybil Hallow, with an entertaining story.

On my first recent (as opposed to when I was a young kid) watch-through of The Worst Witch, The Lost Chord was where I started to appreciate Miss Crotchet. I can pinpoint the exact scene too-When she goes out into the school courtyard, singing softly to herself. It's a [nice] scene, not meant for laughs or anything, but rather

Sybil is great as usual, and certainly different from her first appearance on the show, both in personality, and in magical skills. You REALLY don't wanna screw with Sybyl Hallow! Unfortunately this is the last we see of her for the rest of the show. While it sucks that Sybil doesn't show up in the finale, at least her final episode is one she stars in.

Clarice-Sybil's 'sidekick'- is still a good character, while Fenny and Griz are, as usual, very cool! They're always nifty and interesting, given their many talents and hobbies.

Unfairgound/The Uninvited

One day, Millie and her friends sneak out of Cackle's to go to a fairground, and are caught red-handed by the staff when re-entering the school. After that, and other circumstances, Miss Cackle really loses her cool, imposing harsh sanctions on the entire school. Mildred and co., feeling the whole situation is extremely unfair, decide to start up a secret newspaper, which is a success until the staff find out. While Miss Crotchet and Drill don't see a problem, Miss Cackle does, and expels Mildred and her friend Jadu...

This is a very well-written two-parter, with many twists and turns, as well as a funny semi-deconstruction of the usual Worst Witch finale story type.

It's here where Miss Cackle finally 'snaps', becoming decidedly harsher (until the end, of course), and thankfully the writing does so in a way that makes sense, rather than feel out of character. I also liked that Jadu gets more screentime alone with Mildred. She's never a character who was underused, but she's usually only been present when everyone else is, never really getting an alone moment]

The story here is not only very good in its own right, but it makes for a great finale, and wrap-up to the show!

While they are a bit of a deus ex machina, I really like Mildred's new talent, and they're genuinely complemented by the decent special effects.

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And that's it for The Worst Witch. All three seasons done and dusted! There is more to come with this franchise however, with its sequels Weirdsister College, and The New Worst Witch!




And to any little boys reading this, know that the moral of this story is that you don't ever have to feel ashamed for watching a 'girly' show like The Worst Witch. If any friends try and tell you that it'll make you wimpy and girl, tell them that blogger Chris Hewson watches horrific and disturbing horror movies, and macho action movies all the time, and he thinks The Worst Witch is perfectly acceptable for anyone to watch...

The New Worst Witch (2005-2007)

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  for example, Mona Hallow really doesn't fit in with previous chronology, not only because she's never been mentioned before, but because  Sybil  . And vice versa, The New Worst Witch's continuity doesn't work either if Sybil exists.


All these = make me exclude The New Worst Witch out of the main continuity, and instead lump it in its own bubble universe.


The characters in The New Worst Witch are great!

Hettie Hubble isn't at all a carbon copy of Mildred, and is very different

Mona Hallow is likeable and fun to watch, although her being a Hallow is pointless and just muddies up continuity


One thing that's pretty neat = is that both Alice Connor and Anabel Barnston get a chance to play their characters = evil (whether it be under the influence of a spell, or potion)



Belladonna Bindweed is a completely insufferable character, but in the good way! Francesca Isherwood does a fine job!  The only problem with the character is that a lot of the time in Season 1, she's always thought of as a golden pupil by the staff of Cackle's Academy, which is pretty dang frustrating!

Like Drusilla Paddock before her, Cynthia Horrocks is a great villainous sidekick, = scheming, and is pretty adorable! She's a likeable character, despite her being a complete bitch. Granted, I still kept accidentally referring to her as Drusilla for a long while.

Clare Coulter returns as Miss Cackle, and is

The casting change of Miss Hardbroom is extremely noticeable if you've just come off of an original series marathon, but even in the event that 'worst case scenario', you'll still get used to Caroline O'Neill very quickly. Her voice is distracting at first, given its stark difference to Kate Duchene's, but she does the character much justice.

Onto the rest of the staff. Miss Nightingale is bland, especially once her replacement Miss Widget is around. Widget is very lively, quirky, and amusing, and gets across more joi de vuer in a single episode than Miss Nightingale does in all of Season 1. The librarian Caspian Bloom is very funny, =. Finally, there's Deirdre Swoop, who's now a main character in a Worst Witch show, this time as a teacher. It's a nice character progression, and she's a highly likeable and funny character, especially with her upper-class vocabulary. It's a shame that actress Stephanie Lane was in very little else besides this franchise, as she is hysterical. She really is one of the highlights of this entire franchise!

By the way, a *little* aside before I finish discussing the acting. The character of Miss Pentengle (who was in an episode of The Worst Witch Series 3)
not only looks nothing like Charmian May, but looks about forty years younger!...However, the director or actress clearly did their homework, as = emulates May's mannerisms in the character from her appearance! Isn't that awesome? Well it's less awesome when = Pentangle shows up in a later episode, once again recast, this time by someone who does none of those things!



The remaining problem with this show is the amount of times people say "Hettie Hubble, you are going to be in so much trouble!", or dialogue to that effect! Frankly, I'm not sure what surprises me more-That this show says that so much, or the fact that the original Worst Witch series never took advantage of that rhyme at any point in its 3-season run.








although it doesn't do a great job at showing how they become friends. Hettie and Mona just converse a bit, then are suddenly fast pals, while Cressie just starts hanging out with the due [out of nowhere]



A big problem with the first episode is that it is absolutely miserable, given what happens to Hettie! Thankfully the episode does end on a happier note though.

The Black Hole Club is a fine episode, but it spits in the face of continuity with its predecessor for a number of reasons. Then there's the Cackle's 1000 year anniversary continuity screwup in The Curse of Cackle's (the school already had its 1000th anniversary in The Worst Witch's Series 2 finale). And finally, The Odd Couple, aside from being a mediocre finale (good episode, but it's just another episode, not anything grand or special, despite its status) is pretty icky when it comes to Hettie and Cressie! I'll spare you the details!

The effects in this show are fine when practical, but there's some bad CGI in places. And I'm not talking small things you can shrug off either. There's one scene where the school is being flooded by glue, which looks embarrassingly unconvincing, and a couple of moments later in the series where characters are flying through a forest, and they're going through a CGI backdrop, which looks like something out of a PS1 game.

The setting is still fine though. Its not set at the same castle and (possibly) sets as the original series but I didn't notice much difference. Also, the sets never look unconvincing, and in fact made me think this was actually filmed inside a castle too. Not much of a leap, seeing as how you can trip over a castle any which way you go in Europe, and it's probably cheaper and certainly less time-consuming to film there instead of a set.

In closing, The New Worst Witch is an extremely entertaining show! It's only real faults are when viewed side by side with its predecessor. On its own merits, this is

Fantomas (1913-1915)

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  in the Shadow of the Guillotine





great score that not only sounds lovely (suitably ooky in some places, while bombastic and = in others) but is utilized

Weirdsister College (2001)

Dead Gorgeous (2010)

Halloween 2014

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Happy Halloween everybody! Although it wasn't for me so much, as I had three wisdom teeth removed the other day. Thankfully the pain had subsided by today, but the swollen chipmunk cheeks, and my inability to open my mouth more than half an inch stayed. Still, I resolved to go through with my Halloween plans of marathoning Dead Gorgeous, and I was actually able to eat the junky stuff that I had been planning on preparing for the better part of a month.

Now, onto a question you've probably been wondering. Why are the last several posts I've published either unfinished or blank? Well, it's for the exact same reason as stated above. The *horrifying pain and suffering* had me REALLY not in the mood, nor capability to write and screenshot a damn thing. As for why I posted them early, that's so these posts would still be in October as they should once they're finished. I'll get to them in the following week or so, when I have the time, and when I can bear to tear myself away from recent webcomic discovery Questionable Content.

One last thing. This year, the theme was Doctor Mabuse and inspirations, and nostalgic paranormal shows either from my youth, or more recent years. Next year, I plan on doing either a Paul Naschy marathon, or a Bill Oberst one. Maybe a bit of both. It really depends on how much of either I'm able to get my hands on come October.

So, that's enough out of me. Happy Halloween to all of you. I hope you all had a much better time than I on this special and spooky time of year!...


Off in the distance there lies a cruel Doctor,
Crime and anarchy are everything he desires,
Throughout the world, he perpetrates elaborate horror,
And sets economies ablaze with brimstone fires,
All the while, he drives his enemies insane,
And manipulates others with his malevolent hypnotism
Never do his powers wane,
While he traps the innocent in his prism,
The facade however soon starts to drop,
As the reality of his self abuse kicks in,
And in spurning every emotion as a prop,
Without knowing it, the Doctor has caused his own ruin,
His once great mind begins to rot under the weight of meticulous calculation upon calculation until it is a burden he can no longer outrun,
And just as soon as he had begun,
Doctor Mabuse's cruel work lies forever undone

Attributed to Little Old Me

The Rising Light (2013)

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Would it be bad form of me to deliberately seek out more works of Ansel Faraj knowing I'll likely loathe them? Nah, probably not. After all, if the guy's remaining filmography is as bad as his dreadful Doctor Mabuse movies, then they have whatever harsh things I can say coming! Granted, I hope the rest of his films are good, regardless of my feelings towards the schmuck (for giving the Dr. Mabuse franchise a severe compound fracture, that's the kindest thing I can call him), but I'm wary all the same. So what do I have to say for his 2013 effort The Rising Light?...

Daniel, the son of a mystic star, has been sent on a mission to Earth to give a silver 'gift' to 'The Dreamer' in order to save mankind. With only two days to live, Daniel must act quickly to find the Dreamer and prevent eldritch evils from crossing over into our world. Unfortunately, while he thought he found help in the form of a man named Alex, he's really no comrade at all to Daniel, and his intentions are in no way noble...


The Rising Light is a zero-budget sci-fi 'road movie', which is to say that as much as Faraj says this is a road movie, it really isn't in any shape or form, as there's little traveling, on-road or otherwise, and the lead is only briefly with a road-trip buddy before he's abandoned and betrayed by him. The plot is a sci-fi fable, and at first I was afraid that this would be set entirely in woodland, and a couple of tourist attractions, with only the actors' word for it that this is meant to be science fiction, but whether it be nifty locations, or horrid CGI green screens, The Rising Light actually does go to the stars! Thankfully, while these locations are both fleeting, and absurdly fake, respectively, at least they're here. If The Rising Light has one positive, it's that it doesn't pull a rock and roll space patrol.

A lot of filming in this movie is done in front of green screens, even though these are of real, easily-accessible locations (I guess the costs of filming permits are to blame in this case, although maybe it was just to help with the CGI). In due part because of this, I take issue with the 'On location' credits listing at the end. At your studio is not filming at location, just as much as shooting in front of a green screen facsimile of a place doesn't count!


This film's plot is pretty bare, and extremely unexplored at only 52 minutes long. According to the official Hollinsworth Productions summary, The Rising Light "...blends 50's sci-fi with existential themes, the exploration of an outsider, and a study of loss and failure". None of that came across to me. There seems to be absolutely nothing of 1950's sci-fi (though the effects are on par with Robot Monster, but I'm sure that's not what Ansel Faraj had in mind by that summary's meaning), and as for the themes, if they are here and were too subtle for me to understand, they're not well-crafted, and should have played deeper into the plot, and not be so darn vague and underutilized.

The dialogue here is stilted and so is the acting! Neither Nathan Wilson or Derek Mobraaten are very capable actors, with Wilson being particularly bad! He is in serious need of a DVD of Starman, so he can watch a real actor do fantastically at playing an emotionally alien alien without being wooden. Of course, that's if I'm not being too generous by assuming that he's intentionally playing such a role. He could just be that bad of an actor, and Ansel Faraj is that bad of a director that he likely doesn't even notice! His direction didn't seem to do any of his actors any favours in his Mabuse movies!


Linden Chiles (R.I.P.) is pretty decent, and certainly the best actor in the movie, while Kathryn Leigh Scott is also good. As for John C. Smith, he's unfortunately continuing his career trend of being utterly wasted by Ansel Faraj, which is a shame, as he's a fun actor, and he's an Aussie, which is always cool seeing in genre films.

The writing here is pretty meh. We get lines both hilariously bad, and just plain grammatically incorrect, from "You can't trust anyone in life. Even in outer space, they'll stab you in the back.", to "You have powers beyond no-one!" Err, you mean anyone, Ansel?

The main character of Daniel is both boring and stupid. When briefed on his mission, he's told to be very careful about who he trusts and reveals his true self to...and the very first person he meets on Earth, he instantly spills the beans to! Dumbass!  He even realizes his mistake, yet continues to make it! And of course, this turns out to be a bad mistake! The remaining characters are all pretty bland and/or unexplored.


Ansel Faraj's direction is ok, but the editing in the chase scene at the end is terrible, and there are many scenes that are crazy overexposed! I took a screenshot of the sky at one point, and is was so pure blindingly white that when I pasted the image to both MS Word, and Paint, it literally perfectly blended in to the white of the pages, to the point where I wasn't sure at first if I'd hit paste properly!

The effects are not good. The majority of effects are the green screen backgrounds, but there are some different ones in other parts, such as the sometimes-negative look of the villain, and other stuff. The only practical work is the make-up for a particular character at the end. Oh, and by the way, Ansel, if you're reading this review, know that the use of green screens is CGI, so don't try and claim your films have none when they're filmed almost entirely in front of it! Also, photoshop CGI effects are CGI too. I'll tell you what isn't CGI. Actual real effects!..


The score, largely (or entirely) made up of archive music, is decent, and the main theme is quite nice, and softly beautiful!...The first goddamn time anyway! Thankfully it doesn't repeat too much.

Overall, The Rising Light was neither terrible, nor particularly boring. It's not good, but it's not dreadful either, in part due to the fact that Ansel Faraj hasn't seen fit to butcher an existing franchise this time round. I don't recommend it, but if you have time to kill, and for some reason don't feel like watching a real movie (that is to say, a good one, particularly with more of a real plot than this), then I guess you could stand to give it a watch.

To finish, I am glad I sought this movie out. After all, it gave me the opportunity to say "I get it, he's fucking human bigfoot in the negative zone. Do something!", and really, is that not a victory of sorts?...



Rock n' Roll Space Patrol (2005)

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Rock and Roll Space Patrol is a title that may elicit two responses from whoever reads it. The first being an ecstatic "Oh my god, this movie sounds friggin'awesome!" and the second being a resigned "...This is gonna be too good to be true, isn't it". If you thought the former, then I am sorry, because the answer is invariably always the latter. Films with ridiculously cool sounding titles are usually either disappointments, or even worse! Today's film is one such example. It's not awful, but it does no justice to its title of Rock and Roll Space Patrol...

In space sector 219A, a backwater planet is in tatters after it was swarmed by an infection that left the populace mindless, thanks to the machinations of the diabolical Dr. Spider Jones, aka Dr. Lloyd Blaster, and it's up to space ranger Buck Fiesta and planet native Red Arrow to take back this world's society and restore order to the populace, foil Spider Jones and his nefarious Icebox Fusion, and restore the natural balance of rock and roll!...


This is not a good film by any means. It's shot on video, has awful effects, and is only a sci-fi movie if you take the actors' word for it (a fate you'll recall I felt equally short film The Rising Light narrowly avoided). There are zero scenes in space, and it's all shot in rural American suburbia, which is genuinely supposed too pass for a futuristic colonisation on an alien planet! What is this, a live-action Battle  of the Planets?!

I'm not sure if this is meant to be a comedy. If it was, then the makers forgot to incorporate the 'rather important' aspect known as humour. I'm not saying this film is unfunny, it just simply lacks jokes of any kind, perhaps only relying on it's not-even-trying 'special' effects to generate all the laughs.


The story here is pretty nothing. For the first several minutes, there's no plot, and what little plot there is is slowly advanced as the movie goes on, with very little meat on its bones, culminating in an absolutely baffling ending!

While the end to the climax left me thinking nasty thoughts, the fourth-wall breaking reader of the story-within-a-story, the 'Distinguished Gentleman's' monologue at the end is actually kinda fascinating, and while his revelation of the story's ending's true outcome is irksome at first, his suppositions of the nature of storytelling and inaction as the only solution to avoid inevitable failures of action is quite interesting, as are the other cryptic and thought-provoking things he has to say! Unfortunately he's cut off by the ending credits mid-sentence because the film is trying to be coy! Goddamnit movie, you were actually genuinely interesting there for the first time and you blew it! Well even if he wasn't cut off, this artistic ending evaluation wouldn't offer anything new to the film on a rewatch, nor does it help the ailing script, which, no matter what, is just plain lifeless. This is beyond a shame, and Rock and Roll Space Patrol is just wasted potential in every conceivable way!


The movie's dialogue, what little there is, is meh, but some lines from the ending monologue are great! "You know, friends, I love a great story. A great story does more than just kill an hour of your day-It can make you a better person."

The effects in this movie are of course beyond dreadful, with there being no outer space (besides the stylised and cartoon-y opening credits), ninja warriors being guys in decorated paper dinner plate masks, a car being a 'turbo spaceship', a fridge acting as an evil science generator, and a campfire that doesn't even have a real flame over it, but instead some photoshop trickery! The worst is the roboputer (Yes, really!), which is a silver-gloved hand in a tissue box, while its keypad is a post-it cluster with pen scribbles.

Now, what I suspect is that the makers of this film had about twenty dollars and a rental camera to make this movie, so they decided to deliberately use obvious regular everyday objects as stand-ins for sci-fi stuff, as one big in-joke, but this ultimately doesn't work. If this film was more broadly a comedy, it could be a friggin' hilarious aspect, but as it stands, the movie comes across as both laughably cheap, and laughably dumb, no matter which intent, be it comedic or serious, you see the movie in.


The acting here isn't that bad, thankfully, but the crap sound quality make it hard to hear them most of the time. Special kudos goes to Glen Perkins, who's very good as the 'Fine Intellectualized Gentleman'. If his IMDb page is to be believed, this is his only role, and that's a shame.

The music is middling. The main theme is almost groovy, but lacks any lyrics besides "Rock and roll, space patrol!" repeated a dozen times, and is thusly lacking. Other songs (of which there are only two!) throughout the movie actually have lyrics, but are short, and merely ok. For a movie called Rock and Roll Space Patrol, it's annoyingly lacking in rockin' tunes.


Rock and Roll Space Patrol is not a good movie by any means, and if it's a deliberately so-bad-it's-good movie, then it's still a failure on various grounds. I advise that you don't bother with this film, and instead go listen to some Billy Joel's Still Rock and Roll To Me instead. Hell, that's probably an alternative even the makers of this movie would support!...

Alice in Wonderland in Paris (1966)

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Alice in Wonderland in Paris! That's...not a good title! In fact, this film is also know as Alice of Wonderland in Paris, which is an improvement. So what is this movie, you ask? Alice in Wonderland in Paris is a 1966 Czech-American animation, and while some don't view it in the most charitable of lights, I do...

Alice is sitting at home, reading about the literary adventures of French schoolgirl Madeline, and wishes to be in Paris. Just at that moment, a French mouse named Francoise comes into the house, having made a wrong turn in his cheese delivery. Alice befriends him, and asks to be taken to France and shown around, an offer Francoise accepts as long as she tries some cheese. Along the way, the two tell each-other fairy tales, and stories of both the past and present...


This is a movie that is loathed by many, but time has been kind to it. It's considered to be bizarre for one, but it isn't in the slightest. And if you think this is bizarre, then you ain't seen nothin' yet concerning this franchise! Hell, isn't the point of the franchise to be bizarre? That and to deride modern mathematics, and produce more distaff horror adaptations than anybody ever wanted. Like I said, time has been kind to Alice in Wonderland in Paris, and its current reputation, while still obscure, is a much more warmly received one, and for good reason.

However, if there is one problem some may have with this movie, it's that it has nothing to do with Alice in Wonderland. However, come the end, I felt that it did. I won't spoil how, but the story mirrors two literary adventurous girls, in a way that provided a pretty nifty conclusion, that I feel justifies the title.


The majority of this 52 minute film is made up by five short stories, about 8 minutes each. The first story, about Anatole the cheese testing mouse, is quite a nice story, both amusing, and cute! It's not too short, nor does it drag, and once it's over, you feel sad...Ok, ok, I'll stop rhyming.

The Madeline story is also pretty nice, and while you'll want to violently murder Pepito throughout its running time, he does become likeable come the end (well, as much as a character without any technical real dialogue can be.) This short produced lots of nostalgia for me, as I haven't seen the old Madeline cartoons since I was a kid! Putting rose-tinted glasses aside, it's an amusing short, with quite good rhyming!

The Frowning Prince story is decent, but the dialogue/voice acting is very repetitive, and while that is part of the joke, so it would seem, it doesn't quite work. Still, this is an ok parable, and never annoying or infuriating, though its ending is pretty baffling, sudden, and unexplained.


The Many Moons is possibly my favourite in the movie. It's a simple tale about a sick princess who wants the moon to be brought to her, and it's sweetly intelligent, in a dumb kind-of way. It's A Rashamon-type story, and is amusing althroughout, with a great ending! There's also some amusing dialogue, such as when the king asks his Lord Chamberlain "Yes, the moon. Get it tonight. Tomorrow at the latest.", and the court wizard's monologue "I have worked a great deal of magic for you in my time, majesty. I have squeezed blood out of turnips for you, and turnips out of blood. I have produced rabbits out of silk hats, and silk hats out of rabbits. I have conjured up flowers, tambourines, and doves out of nowhere, and nowhere out of flowers, tambourines, and doves!".

The final story is another Madeline one, and this one isn't quite as good, as it's not long enough, and thus compact and a tad confusing. On the subject of Madeline, it's funny, when I'm actually emotionally mature enough (that is to say, not a dumb kid) to accept and appreciate a 'girly' show like it, I'm far too old to watch it!


The stories actually tie into the story, thankfully, and are not random cartoons from different sources all edited into a jumbled whole. While the stories' content may be pretty random, they do tie in in various ways, whether it be continuity in the animation, or aspects of the movie's characters. Especially good is the ending, which is a montage of new footage that in a way acts as an epilogue, with us seeing the various characters later down the track, which is very good seeing as The Frowning Prince ended on such an abrupt note, and it offers a nice look into the legacy of Anatole.

The animation in this movie is very good for what it is! It's old type animation, for sure, but by no means bad, and to put it in perspective, it's better animation then, say, the crap in The Flinstones cartoon from the same time period, and that was certainly a bigger production than this little thing. Of course, Tom and Jerry as well as Looney Tunes are both insanely better looking, but again, those are much bigger productions. The animation here is fluid, and remembers continuity, little and big.

The music here is very good, and there are a couple of neat songs!


Throughout this whole movie, I only found one scene that was in any way amusingly odd from an adult perspective. In this scene, Francoise offers Alice size-altering 'magic mushroom' cheese! Also, in that same conversation, he says he got the magic mushrooms from Wonderland, then mentions Alice having been there...How the fuck do you know Alice was in Wonderland, mouse? Not ten minutes ago, you had no idea who she was! Stalker!

Overall, this is better than Alice in Wonderland: An X-Rated Musical Fantasy, better than Jan Svankmajer's disturbing puppet-terror flick Alice, and it's a whole hell of a lot better than that...film that I dare not say the name of, lest I foul a review for this fine movie!

To finish, Alice In Wonderland in Paris may have a horrible title, and it may have fuck all to do with Alice in Wonderland, but it's a sweet and amusing film, and if you have young kids, I highly recommend this to show them!...

The House That Would Not Die (1970)

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Ugh, that's a title that just punches you in the face, isn't it! While grammatically correct, The House That Would Not Die is a title that just feels off due to its drawn out nature, and from this point onwards, and going to contract it to a more comfortable form.

Ruth Bennett and her niece Sara have just moved into a new home, left to them in the will of a relation. The house seems fine at first, but soon shows a disturbing side as Sara is possessed at intermittent moments by the spirit of a woman named Ammie. Ruth, and neighbours/new friends Pat, and Stan, don't know what to think at first, with Pat believing Sara is a latent schizophrenic, but they soon realize the ghostly truth. As the possessions get worse and more violent, everyone must find out the truth behind Amie and her obsessive father's spirit before it's too late...


The House That Wouldn't Die is a tense and softly eerie ghost story. I'm tempted to say that it's more of a ghost tale than an outright horror film, but I don't wanna sounds like one of those pretentious dicks who hate all horror films except certain ones, which they do their best to classify as 'thrillers' or other such 'acceptable' genres rather than horror. Still, that's what the film is like. It has no body count, instead relying on its plot, creepy atmosphere, and subtle scares to carry it, and it works fantastically! Anyone who says G/PG rated horror films can't work are dolts!

The story to this movie is a well-written one, following the characters as they realize what's going on, and investigate to find its cause. The characters are likeable, and realistic, thankfully. When there's clearly nasty ghost activity, they believe it for one (thank God!), and want to leave and move away! Also thankfully, the reason they do stay is also a well-crafted one.


The mystery here is very well-handled, with a good dripfeed of information. We don't get too much at once, or too little. The answers are revealed well, and best of all, the ending not only didn't piss me off, but it's also not abrupt! A 74 minute TV movie with a well-paced ending! GASP!

The House That Wouldn't Die is replete with ooky and tense scenes, all of which are directed very well! The scoring is suitably spooky, as well as more softly upbeat come the end.



The acting here is all very good, from Barbara Stanwyck, to Richard Egan, to Michael Anderson Jr., and a debuting Katherine 'Kitty' Wynn (The Exorcist) does fantastically! Especially good is Richard Egan when he's possessed. He's quietly evil, and it works wonders for the film's atmosphere. There's one scene that's not so good though. It's a dream sequence, and the slow motion renders the acting hilarious! And Kitty Wynn's over-the-top gesticulations and facial expressions don't help.

For a TV movie, the direction here is quite good, as mentioned above. There are some scenes that are shot very stylishly! One of my only issue with this movie are a few segues, which are very abrupt and/or disorienting. For example, a character picks up a scroll, the camera zooms-in on the parchment, zooms out and suddenly the characters are reading the scroll in a totally different building!



There's also a dumb scene involving a family bible with a stricken out name. A character manages to rapidly and easily shave the ink off, off of three hundred year old paper no less, leaving no damage to the page, and exposing the hidden name! Bullcrap!

The House That Wouldn't Die is a highly entertaining ghost story, and I can't recommend it enough! It's well worth a watch for horror fans out there!...

Theatre Fantastique (2014)

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Oh joy, up-and-coming young indie filmmaker Ansel Faraj has again been struck by the delusion that he can adapt things! Forgive my anger, but with his Doctor Mabuse films, this schmuck has done serious harm to the franchise! Mabuse films are extremely, absurdly infrequent, so when the first in twenty-four, technically fifty, years are dreadful and unfaithful betrayals to the source material, then you can see that I would be quick to anger and frustration, especially when Faraj's follow-up project, web series Theatre Fantastique, is so bad too!...

The Madness of Roderick Usher


Sickly Roderick Usher is in his gloomy home, awaiting an undertaker to take his deceased sister away...

This is a pretty uneventful short. It's a bad adaptation of Edgar Allen Poe's The Fall of the House of Usher, as it doesn't cover all the story's bases, thus leaving the plot both lacking and unexplained. I guess Faraj must have found Christopher Pennock sitting in an armchair in a nightrobe more irresistible than a real plot!

The look and set design of this short are lousy! The only real set is a darkly lit room with a few curtains, while everything else is terrible green screens, and embarrassing photoshop CGI. This is so cheap that the film can't even be bothered to show the sky by shooting the camera at it! Neither is an actual doorway used for a doorway! Jesus, Faraj, I get that you probably only had ten bucks to make this film, but believe me when I say it costs zip to film clouds, and someone walking into a doorway!


Ansel Faraj's obsession with dark green-lit rooms is back again here, no matter how little sense it makes. If there's no light in the room save for a single candelabra, then where the hell is the bathing green light coming from?!

The direction here is meh, while the editing is passable for the most part. For the most part! There's a painfully obvious re-use of a scene from the beginning at the end.

Christopher Pennock is decent here. The guy can be a good actor, even if his overacting does get the better of him sometimes (such as it did badly in Doctor Mabuse: Etiopomar). Elyse Ashton, who I've spoken positively of in the past, is sort-of wasted here. She makes for a decent physical presence, but gets practically zero dialogue. And finally, J.R. Cox is dull. He's an ok actor, but he lacks presence.

Nosferatu: Beyond Death


That title card is made with the airbrush tool on Microsoft Paint! How frakkin' cheap can ya be? Was it seriously too taxing to make a real title card?! My loathing for these shorts aside, I'm at least respectful enough to consider them real films, so Faraj, why don't you actually put some damn effort into your projects!

This movie is basically a seven minute vampire bloodletting fetish video. There's no plot, and there's little-to-no dialogue! Oddly enough, there are a couple of dialogue exchanges, but they're muted out. I suppose that's because the film is striving to evoke a silent film feel for the film. This would make sense if the film wasn't 1, in colour, 2, in HD, and 3, lacking in intertitles!


After the four-and-a-half minute mark, we get actual dialogue, and a scene in black and white (though not in a belated attempt to evoke silent films). What little excuse there is for a plot is next to nothing, and the small smatterings of dialogue are as vapid as they are fleeting. As for the adaptation aspect, this short comes across like something made by someone who has never seen Nosferatu: A Symphony of Horror, and has only looked it up on Google Images.

The make-up for Nosferatu is decent, but despite the effort that went into putting it together, the short has him do nothing but bite a woman for the short's entire runtime! What a waste!

The rest of the effects are horrid. Actors don't match up to scale with the outside locations the green screens are projecting, there's a vampire flying scene worse than the one in Die Hard Dracula, and worse, there's castle CGI so bad that the opening from Castlevania 64 looks better! Oh God, I wish I was joking! And then there's the inside of the castle, which looks more akin to a friggin hotel room!

A Descent into a Maelstrom


Ugh, let's start of with the fact that this short has almost nothing to do with the Edgar Allen Poe story of the same name. That was about a shipwrecked mariner's desperate struggle in a raging ocean. There were no zombie ghosts present, of the aquatic variety or not!

After the relatively grounded first couple of minutes, the plot to this short gives into chaos almost immediately, and when it finally stops, we're delivered an abrupt and cliched twist ending, that has nothing to do with the Poe story. Worse still is that the short has the balls to have the lead quote Poe's 'Dream within a dream' poem verse, as if quoting Edgar Allen Poe will somehow magically make this movie relate to him.

The writing, when not a total entropic mess, is repetitive like crazy!

Jackson Gutierrez is a passable actor, but the repetition in the beginning and ending really screws over his performance. Christopher Pennock lets his overacting side loose for this short, and the result is exactly what you'd expect-Bad! And finally, Kelsey Hewlett (another Faraj regular I've spoken of positively before) is wasted. At least I'm sure she had fun being a sea wraith, even if the short did nothing with the concept besides point the camera at her while she cackled evilly.


The direction here is bad! I'm aware that the film's middle section is meant to be chaotic, but that doesn't change the fact that it's still a jumbled, eye-straining mess. Especially irresponsible is the flashing at the start, which is sure to be uncomfortable for anyone with epilepsy (and that is the second GODDAMN time that I've had to give an epilepsy warning for one of Ansel Faraj's movies!).

The effects are nothing. The mise en scene is again a small dark room. Surprisingly, however, there's extremely little green screen work here! The film still looks like cheap garbage, but it at least looks like real cheap garbage!

Another bad effect is a brief shot of the ocean's depths. With it's immobile fish, and the friggin' visible window, it looks like a still image of a museum exhibit trying and failing to pass itself of as the ocean!

The Happy Home of the Murderous Mahones


Wow, this sure is a sudden detour for Theatre Fantastique! We've suddenly gone from ooky Gothic tales to a suburban American black comedy!

As this short actually has a plot, I can actually give it a summary! An old married couple are at each-other's throats, literally. Intent on murdering one another, things are complicated when they accidentally kill a visiting church member...

The plot here is bare and over too quickly, with no surprises in its ending. There are also some annoying aspects, like-Why do the couple want to kill each-other? Never explained. Also, they keep getting interrupted by a neighbour friend as they're trying to dispose of a body, and this is presented as a big deal, even though this problem could be easily solved. Just tell her you can't see her now, and to come back another time! It's not that difficult!

There's nothing worse than an unfunny comedy, and thankfully this short isn't quite that bad. Don't get me wrong, it's not funny, but it's merely boring, rather than absolutely wretched and unwatchable.


This movie's sense of humour is very poor, and it seems to be hoping that the situation alone can carry the humour throughout, along with a load of swearing, as if that will make the movie funny, rather than merely immature.

The acting isn't that great, but it's not terrible either. As for Ansel Faraj regular Nathan Wilson, he isn't that good, but due to his 'aw shucks' type character, there's at least life in his performance, unlike other roles I've seen him in.

This is the second-best entry in Theatre Fantastique, courtesy of it actually having a plot, and not having terrible effects (that is to say, it doesn't have any to begin with). It's still crap, though, and its story and tone are incredibly ill-fitting for this series.

Madame LaSoeur


This is by far the best short in this series. At sixteen minutes long rather than seven or eleven, it's long enough to develop its plot, and the story is, *GASP*, actually decently written! It's even got a neat twist! Sure, it's a bit cliche, but not painfully so, and it wasn't really obvious!

Unfortunately the atmosphere to this movie is what drags it down. Part of it is good, but the constant 'scary face' jump-scare flashes aren't frightening, but rather annoying! Also not so good is the end of the conclusion, which didn't make much sense. I guess demons are just untrustworthy dicks.

The actors in this short awesomely includes both Kelsey Hewlett, and Kelly Erin Decker! Woohoo! Of course, also in the cast are Christopher Pennock, Jerry Lacy, and other Faraj regular Derek Mobraaten to weigh things down. Thankfully, the latter three, as well as Lara Parker, act decently, and while Lacy's delivery sometimes stumbles, he's not bad.


Kelly Erin Decker is stylish as the titular spiritualist, and acts well. Kelsey Hewlett is this short's villain, but that doesn't mean she's utilized a lot. She's incredibly wasted, to the point that I feel really bad for her. We don't even really see her, as basically all of her appearances are brief transparent flashes.

The effects here are quite decent, and there's little-to-no use of all-encompassing green screens!

This short isn't great by any means, but it's a more than serviceable way to kill a quarter of an hour! I recommend it!

Overall

This is a pretty rotten set of shorts! The adaptations are barely middling to dreadful, the acting ranges from decent to mildly annoying, the direction is oftentimes not-so-good, and the effects are completely embarrassing! It's especially annoying when you consider other extremely low-budget TV shows and movies. Classic Doctor Who, The Final Sacrifice, Lo, and many other things I could name all had extremely minimal budgets, and oftentimes Who was barely allowed just one take to film in because money was so tight, but they pulled through to provide its audience with a visually appealing production, with its decent, albeit sometimes laughable, effects. Classic Doctor Who did use green screens here and there, but never for whole locations (bar one episode) all the time, and when they were used-and I can't stress this next point enough-they didn't FUCKING glitch out! Ansel, dude, get your goddamn green screens fixed! So yeah, the effects in Classic Who were sometimes bad, and sometimes hilarious, but they were always really there, and they never fell apart on screen!

There's one episode left of Theatre Fantastique, and it comes out on December the 5th, so I'll watch and review it then. Until then, this collection of Theatre Fantastique shorts is listed on its Youtube and Vimeo home as Season 1. Please God let there not be a Season 2!...

Doctor Who's 51st Anniversary: Sophie Wilson-...Okay

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I don't normally review songs on here, and I certainly wasn't planning on doing so before April the 1st given the jokey post I have planned involving music reviewing, and how it's not something I ever do, but what I have to talk about for the 51st anniversary of classic sci-fi TV show Doctor Who bears discussion.

...Okay is a song by a person named Sophie Wilson, who put together this song last year in honour of Doctor Who's big Five Oh.

This song is not without minor faults. The opening verse is a bit shaky (singing-wise-Also, I mean shaky figuratively, not literally), but not bad, and the song picks up quickly. What we get is a nice tune about the lives and personalities of The Doctor's eleven incarnations, from the point-of-view of a companion. The composition of ...Okay is great, as are the lyrics, with a full detailed verse for each Doctor, almost all painting a fine portrait! I say almost all because the one's for Doctors 9 and 10 are a bit lacking, I imagine due to neither Doctors really being as well-rounded as the rest (9 was pretty unexplored, especially as he only had one season, while 10 was very inconsistent).

Ending on a poignant, and melancholy yet hopeful note, ...Okay is a perfect compliment for a great show, and I hope its well-remembered! Sophie Wilson has created what I think is a fantastic song, and I hope she feels great about it!...


Crowhaven Farm (1970)

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I've been on a bit of a TV movie horror kick as of late, and with The House That Wouldn't Die proving to be a fantastic sit, I decided to try my luck with 1970's Crowhaven Farm, which I'd read positive things about...Well, it's not awful, at least...

At the will reading of a relation, a man inherits Crowhaven farm, a patch of land in a town near Salem. A mysterious little girl causes him to crash into a tree, killing him instantly, and his relations, married couple Maggie and Ben, inherit the estate. Maggie is instantly repelled by the farm for an unknown gut feeling, but is persuaded to stay by Ben. The couple, who are a bit on the rocks, soon adopt Jennifer, a seemingly kind-hearted ten year old. However, it soon turns out that she's evil-Cathy's Curse evil-and will stop at nothing to take Maggie's soul, because of a witchy deal-with-the-devil gone south back in the 1700's...


Crowhaven Farm is a passable horror film. Things take a bit to get going, but a witchy vision and the ooky prologue help the film's pacing, so it doesn't just set its characters up for 18 minutes without a single scare. As the movie goes on, however, the thin plot starts to become a problem. It's not a drastically underwritten film, but it's still very lacking, made all the worse by the downer ending that not only see fit to depress you, but make you hate all the characters in the movie!

A pretty sizeable problem with this movie is that the timeframe is very rushed, and at one point, you'll be wondering how the hell Maggie's having a baby when she only got the news that she was pregnant seemingly a few days prior, and she's as slim as a board. The birth is said to be premature, but given the skewed timeline, it feels like it was premature by 9 friggin' months!


The characters here are tolerable. They're sometimes likeable, sometimes annoying. Ben is a dickhead at first, but once that first leg of the movie is over, he gets more likeable...Until the finale, anyway! As for Maggie, she's likeable for the majority of the film's runtime, but aside from the crap climax, there's also one scene where she's a total idiot! When walking out at night, she witnesses a black sabbath, including an animal on an altar, and the next day, she goes to investigate the remains of the site. She sees a red wet stain on the altar, and she runs her hand through it! The stupid part comes when she realizes what it is and screams, flailing her hand. What did you think it was, dumbass?! Rasberry jam?!


The film's highlight is definitely Cindy Eilbacher as the requisite evil little girl. She's basically the main villain, and carries the ooky atmosphere well, but the fact that she never loses kinda sours the film to me, as she's a little bitch who you want to see get her comeuppance. That's part of what I meant when I said you'll hate all of Crowhaven Farm's characters come the end. The protagonists all do sudden acts of craven idiocy while the villains get off scot free. It's a pretty frustrating ending!

For a '70's TV movie, Crowhaven Farm has some...uh...icky stuff in it. Think back to that movie Orphan where the evil little girl was really over 30, and only looked like a child. She had...unfulfilled needs. The character of Jenny here does too, but while she's kinda technically a couple hundred years old, she's also kinda technically still ten years old, so EW!


As you can tell from the above paragraph, what the villains are is extremely unexplained, much to the film's detriment! This film would've been at least a bit better had the script fleshed things out a bit more.

The acting here is all decent. There's also John Carradine in a tiny part. It's still a real role, mind you, unlike all those Trojan Carradine movies but barely there all the same.


Overall, this isn't a very good film, and while it may only be 73 minutes long, it's a pretty dull and irksome sit and I don't recommend it...

The Raven (1963)

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Horror icon Boris Karloff has an interesting history with Edgar Allen Poe adaptations of famous poem The Raven. He was in the 1935 film adaptation (co-starring with horror legend Bela Lugosi), which had nothing in common with the story (but was related to Poe, so it wasn't an entirely unwarranted title), and he's in the 1963 version (co-starring with other fellow horror legend Vincent Price), which I'll be discussing tonight...

Dr. Erasmus Craven is a simple magician, powerful but content in staying at his secluded home, still despondent over the death of his wife Lenore two years prior. His grieving is soon interrupted by the arrival of a talking raven. He turns it back into its human form-Dr. Bedlo (Peter Lorre), a fellow magician who tells of how he drunkenly challenged cruel sorcerer Professor Scarabus to a duel and lost. He also tells of how he saw Lenore at Scarabus' castle, enthusing Craven to go to the villain's castle and free his lost love's spirit...


Roger Corman's The Raven is a comedy, which may throw some viewers off at first if they were expecting a straight horror film, especially after the solemn and serious opening. The humour in this film definitely works, with many funny, sometimes hilarious, situations and lines ("Magic by gesture of the hands is the most advanced sorcery!").

This story has nothing to do with Poe's poem of the same name, and is not even the same genre. While this is slightly problematic, it's easily overlooked given the film's general good quality, and a couple of positive points-The opening with Vincent Price reciting part of the poem (the man was born to recite Poe!), and the poem's backstory of Lenore lending a great portrait of grief for Price's character. Though of course, that latter point is scuppered by the revelation halfway through the film. Ultimately, The Raven acts as framing for the film, and whether or not it's a good decision to frame The Raven around a Gothic comedy-horror depends entirely on the viewer.


There are numerous great scenes in this movie. An especially great setpiece is the magical duel at the end. It's nearly ten minutes long, and has no dialogue, instead carried along by the actions and performances of Price and Karloff. The special effects are nifty too, even if one does get a little literally cartoony. The matte paintings present look nice, especially Scarabus' gloomy castle! As for the raven that appears here and there (mainly in the film's first act), it's cute and neatly well-trained!

Vincent Price plays against type here, as he's a meek and gentle protagonist, rather than a diabolical cackling villain. His character is very well-written too, making a definite character journey, starting out as one thing, and being another come the film's end.


Boris Karloff is highly amusing when he's pretending to be benevolent, and delightfully evil when his true intentions are out in the open! He manages to be both funny, and intimidating in whatever scenes demand which tone.

Peter Lorre is very amusing as the drunken and cowardly Dr. Bedlo. The rest of the acting is decent. Olive Sturgess and a young Jack Nicholson are both decent, while Hazel Court is pretty funny as Scarabus' evil partner.


The Raven has neat direction and fantastic pacing! The films is so enjoyable that it breezed right by without me realizing it had been 83 minutes! That's one of the best feelings you can get when watching a film, because it means you're really enjoying yourself!...Well, most of the time it does, anyway...


The Raven is a great film, that doesn't mock the classic horror genre with its humour, but rather meshes the two genres together perfectly, having a load of fun and utilizing two of the biggest figures in horror history fantastically!...

Isle of the Dead (1945)

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Ah, it's been a while since I've seen a Boris Karloff film!...Well if you wanna get technical about it, it's been ten hours, but prior to The Raven, I haven't seen a Karloff film in some time. Too long! That's something I must rectify!

Tonight I'll be looking at Val Lewton's 1945 drama/'horror' Isle of the Dead...

In 1912 era Greece, during the Balkan wars, an American journalist is doing a piece, and talking with a tough-as-nails military general Nikolas Pherides (Boris Karloff). The two sail to a nearby island to pay respects to Pherides' dead wife, but soon realize that septicemic plague has struck the island. The general quarantines the island, firmly demanding that no-one may leave. Only one person is allowed to come to the island-A doctor.

With the doctor's death a short time later, the general's faith in rationality is shaken, and after being influenced by Kyra, a superstitious old woman, he takes to believing the old tales he once derided. He soon starts to think Thea, a kind young woman, is a malignant spirit, and to get rid of the plague, he must destroy her...

For the first two acts, Isle of the Dead is a very good film! For a start, it's very well-directed, and has great imagery. Its setup is good, and not only is Boris Karloff's character well-rounded, but all the other characters are too, even ones who die at the 30 minute point! It's one thing for a film from this time period to have one three-dimensional character, but for its whole cast to be is damn impressive!

The acting in this movie is very good, with the obvious standout being Boris KARLOFF, who's fantastic in what's basically a straight role for him. There's a very good reason why the man's a horror icon, and it's not just because he played a lot of monsters.

Unfortunately, here's when we start to get to the bad. The final twenty minutes of Isle of the Dead are badly paced, and the story completely goes off the rails, completely botching two character arcs, capping it off with the 1940's equivalent of an ADR rush job doing some 'moral' closing line, as the Hays Code was wont to do. At least the Code ensured that the psycho bitch Kyra dies horribly!

The first character to have their arc botched is Miss St. Aubyn. She's cataleptic-Wont to fall into deep trances which seem like death. She's been afraid of this her whole life, and being buried alive is a chilling possible reality for her. However, she eventually loses her fear, comes to terms with death, and is at peace for a long while, until she dies of sickness, and the remaining characters, knowing of her condition, even do the requisite tests to make sure she's really dead...But it turns out she's not dead, and is entombed alive! Well fuck you, movie! Worse still, she goes pretty trident-crazy afterwards, a role I was sure Boris freakin' Karloff would play!

Now, while I am glad that Karloff's character didn't go crazy and kill-crazy (unlike what the poster would have you believe), as he was a likeable character, and such a downward spiral would be pretty depressing, I also feel that's what should have happened, as 1, that's what was being set up, and 2, this is apparently a horror film after all, so something horrific has got to happen at some point.

One last thing to note is this film's genre-Despite what everything seems to class it as, it's not a horror film. For the majority of its running time, it's more of a drama, and only in the last five minutes does anything even remotely horrific happen. The film has a sombre tone of unease, and accepting death, but it's never ghastly.

Isle of the Dead is a very flawed movie, but it also has some very good qualities, so I do recommend it, especially for the great performance from the fantastic Karloff the Uncanny!...

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace (2004)

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So many movies that try and be so bad they're good fail, as they tend to be really forced, and the makers don't understand why movies such as those of Ed Wood are so amusing in the first place. Short-lived British TV series Garth Marenghi's Darkplace does, however...

Back in the '80's, famed horror writer Garth Marenghi wrote, directed, and starred in a TV show called Darkplace. Due to its 'radical' nature, the BBC refused to air the show, and it was locked away. Now, in the wake of a television drought, the channel has 'come crawling back', with Marenghi pleased to be finally bringing his magnum opus creation to TV screens everywhere...


In Darkplace Hospital, Dr. Rick Dagless M.D is always at the rough end of the pool, frequently having to stop various supernatural occurrences from tearing the hospital apart...

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace is a show-within-a-show,which both pokes fun at the low-quality sci-fi horror fare of period British television, while also paying it homage in a way. As I'm an Australian, I've seen a few of these types of shows, and I can certainly attest to Darkplace both capturing and mocking their feel perfectly!


The humour in this series has multiple aspects. For a start, we've got a series of absolutely absurd plots, including PMS 'tellykinesis', gates to hell, human-to-ape contagions, eerie and sinister Scotsman mist, among others. The effects are intentionally bad, as is the continuity, acting, and editing. For those intentional so-bad-it's-good movies, they always fail when deliberately having terrible effects, yet Darkplace succeeds. Maybe it's because of just how far this show goes in how many of its aspects are shoddy, and in how straight it plays everything. And of course, it helps that the show is friggin' hilarious!

There are numerous riotous lines of dialogue in this series. "I kept thinking about Larry, and how inconvenient his blowing up had been.".
Liz: "Do you really buy this portal to hell deal?"-Dagless: "I wouldn't say I'm buying it, Liz. Let's just say I'm window shopping, and right now there's a half-price sale on weird!".
Garth Marenghi: "Thankfully, when I impregnated my wife Pam, she dutifully gave birth to twins-A huge relief. Though for years, I couldn't shake off the fear that one of them might eat the other. Luckily they didn't, which I put down to good parenting."


The characters are great fun, from the melodramatic Rick Dagless, the suave and quick-tempered Julien Sanchez, the subservient and psychic Liz Asher, and the hard-liner head-of-staff Thornton Reed. The real world counterparts (who show up in the prologues, and interview segments) are just as hilarious. The titular writer is sexist and up himself, while Dean Lerner is a sleaze, and possible murderer.

The acting, deliberately hammy and/or terrible, is a riot! Matthew Holness, Alice Lowe, Matt Berry, and Richard Ayoyade all do great jobs. Ayoyade is definitely the best, given the stark difference between his two characters Thornton Reed and Dean Lerner.


The scoring is very effective, both in creating a mood of horror, and of incompetent filmmaking. It's frequently over-the-top, very synthesised in the way that only the 80's could be, and glitches out sometimes, or is just cut off way too abruptly, with all these instances perfectly lending to the feel the show is trying to cultivate. The main theme is definitely awesome! It's kinda like the theme to Dario Argento's Inferno, but not as ridiculously over-the-top.

From flying killer plates with visible strings, to easily visible boards in actors' shirts when they get stabbed, or the drawn out slow motion, the effects in Darkplace are always a laugh riot! What I especially like is the modelwork for the exterior shots of Darkplace Hospital.


Garth Marenghi's Darkplace is a hysterically funny horror-comedy, and it's a shame it only lasted for six episodes!...Granted, six episodes constitutes a healthy lifespan in terms of British television. After all, the monster hits of Fawlty Towers, and The Young Ones only went for twelve episodes, respectively, while Dad's Army, and George and Mildred (to my American readers, it's the original Ropers, except actually funny and popular) were oddities in that they actually surpassed 38 episodes! Darkplace's 'place in history is assured', and its unique style and humour won't be forgotten any time soon...

Jam (2000)

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Some comedies are lighthearted, some are more risque, while others are more ribald. Then there are those that are dark. Black comedies can come in various forms, and the one I'll be looking at today, 2000's Chris Morris helmed sketch show Jam, is so dark and morbid that come consider it to be just as much horror as it is comedy...


Jam has a ghoulish sense of humour, will make you laugh out loud sometimes, and then you'll probably feel creeped out at yourself for having done so...Unless you're like me, in which case you would've just laughed and thought nothing more.

The sketches include such ideas and plots as a man trying to commit suicide by jumping off a first floor balcony forty times rather than just jump off a fortieth floor in case he decided to change his mind part-way through suicide, or one where a man in a noose ties it to his car and sets it off, so it'll decapitate him, but it gets in a car wreck, leaving him completely uninjured. One of my favourite sketches is the one where a man needs to dispose of a body, and the specialist he hires is a six-year old girl.


Some of the sketches in Jam are gross, others are horrific, while some are just plain old surreal, like a doctor who consults his patients over the phone even though they're in his office, and one about a faulty television that pours out lizards.

Some have some very questionable moments such as the Gush sketch, which pointlessly shows very sexually explicit material (albeit using prosthetics, but you wouldn't necessarily notice). Now, my issue with this sketch isn't so much that it shows this explicit stuff, but rather that it shows so little of it, making it pointless to try and push this envelope in the first place-They might as well have shown nothing.


Not all the humour in Jam works. Some are unfunny, and some seem to lack a punchline, like the one with the jilted boyfriend (I guess) who goes outside his girlfriends window and kills himself. There's no joke, he just kills himself offscreen, the woman shrieks, sketch over.

There's one unfunny sketch involving a man in a psychiatrist waiting room asking a receptionist if she's seen a dove a few times. Now with this sketch I'm willing to be a tad lenient on, on the chance that I just didn't get it. But then again, I've analyzed it all over, and also struggled to get through the follow-up sketches, so maybe it's just plum not funny.

Worse still, not only do the last two episodes seem to have the greater volume of not-so-good sketches, but the very last one of the whole series is crap! What rotten luck!


The acting is good althroughout. There are extras, and sometimes bit players, but for the most part, the same six actors are Chris Morris, Mark Heap, Kevin Eldon, David Cann, Amelia Bullmore, and Julia Davis, and they all do well. If you've seen The IT Crowd, then you're probably expecting Chris Morris (Denholm) to be an absolute madman here, but surprisingly enough, his role in the regular sitcom is far more angrily psychotic than anything in Jam.

Music is very important to Jam. The scoring is  usually ambient tunes, sometimes twisted (like the Backwards Music Station, but better-crafted), sometimes not, always heavily emphasized. Unfortunately it sometimes drowns out the soft dialogue in some scenes. This is further worsened by the lip-syncing, I would imagine. Apparently, in numerous sketches, the actors have been dubbed with their roles from the radio predecessor to Jam, purportedly to add the show off and unsettling feel, but all it accomplishes is making the actors hard to hear some of the time.


Despite its problems, and sometimes unfunny sketches, Jam is entertaining, and is actually a rather mature show that actually has wit behind its jokes and sketches, rather than just parading a bunch of gross stuff around for its running time and claiming to be disturbing despite having no effort put behind it (an example of that being Slaughtered Vomit Dolls, which is a boring fetish 'horror' film made by a compulsively fibbing dumbass, who, among other things, can't make movies). I recommend Jam, but only if you know what you're getting into. If you're not interested at all in questionable and morbid black comedy, then you likely won't find much enjoyment out of this.


What's really surprising is that I don't write comedies like this! I used to write incredibly, horrifically dark stories, and I usually write comedies, yet they're normal ones, despite my morbid imagination...

Lover Come Back (1961)

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Lover Come Back, Doris Day and Rock Hudson's second outing together, is the second film I've seen where he's seducing her character under false pretenses. That's...disturbing!...

Madison ad executive Jerry Webster (Rock Hudson) is stuck in a battle with Carol Templeton (Doris Day), a rival from another company. She's trying to ruin his career, and even turns a ladyfriend of Webster's against him, but he wins back her favour by starring her as the lead in a series of advertisements of a mystery product known as Vip. Jerry immediately shelves the commercials, having no desire to ever air them. Unfortunately his boss and friend Peter Ramsay unwittingly allows the ads into the public. After being away from the world on a camping trip for a short time, Pete and Jerry come back to find that Vip is in high demand, with everyone eager to know what this product is, and dozens of companies wanting to get it on it.

Jerry hires the misanthropic Dr. Linus Tyler to create Vip, and sets out to distract Carol, who's intent on finding out about Vip and taking its account for herself.  While Dr. Tyler is in a rush to create whatever Vip may be, Jerry is taking his time in seducing Carol, pretending to be Tyler...


Lover Come Back is a comedy, but don't believe any source that calls this movie a romance, as the only thing close is the main character's deception. More on the story below.

The acting is all good. Doris Day is definitely a delight (I have a thesaurus in my hands and I have no intention of stopping), but this is Rock Hudson's movie for sure. My Doris Day four pack should be retitled The Rock Hudson four pack (which coincidentally, is exactly what most women (and undoubtedly plenty of men too) envision on his chest). Tony Randall is hilarious, from his first scene, to his last! I need to watch more films with this guy! There's also Ann B. Davis (Alice the maid, from...that show), who's pretty funny, but unfortunately she's only in the film for a bare minimum of scenes.


Lover Come Back's writing is solid, and it's very funny, and there are many hilarious lines and exchanges!
Pete: "Well you should feel sorry for me. You don't know what a handicap it is to be born rich!"- Jerry: "Some handicap!"- Pete: "Don't sneer. Wealthy people are hated and resented! Look what's written on the Statue of Liberty. Does it say 'Send me your rich'? No, it says 'Send me your poor'. We're not even welcome in our own country! It's all very well for you to laugh, you're one of the lucky ones, you grew up in the slums!"- Jerry: "That's lucky?"- : "Of course it is, you had everything going for you. Poverty. Squalor. There was only one way for you to go-Up. But I started at the top. I've done it the hard way!"
Carol "All I know is Jerry Webster's trying to land it, but we're going to beat him to it."-Millie: "Are you sure you wanna tangle with him again? He fights rough."-Carol: "Then we'll fight rough. This is war, Millie!"-Millie: "That means liquor, wild parties, getting sponsored girls, right?"-Carol: "Right!"-Millie: "Good. I'd like to volunteer for frontline duty."
Pete: "We've sold a product that doesn't exist! We have ruined the great agency of Ramsey's."-Jerry: "Relax, Pete."- Pete: "Dad will kill me!"-Jerry: "Pete, your dad's dead and gone."-"No he isn't, he's around someplace. He wouldn't go away and leave this business to someone like me!"


Lover Come Back is unfortunately not without problems. Once the 'romance' part of the film starts, the films slows down a lot. Not only does the main plot come to a complete standstill, but the likeable Jerry Webster becomes a pretty unlikeable sack of crap due to his actions-Actions that don't even make much sense! He could have just skipped the whole rigmarole, and (either as himself, or pretending to be Dr. Tyler) told her to go away. That way, we wouldn't lose an entertaining comedy, and he wouldn't go to jail for committing serious fraud.

The film's ending is odd and rushed. It seems like production was wrapping up, but the script wasn't yet over, so they hastily wrote the ending on a tissue on a Ritz dinner table.


There are also some pretty irksome qualities about the film's final act. As far as this ending is concerned, if you and the woman who despises you for grievously deceiving to her get drunk and bang, then you're both a-ok fine, as long as you were married in the interval. Well that just makes everything ok, doesn't it!...Yeah, this is painfully dated, almost to a degree of misogyny, and possibly misandry too. Neither party wanted to knock boots, and especially not get married! Granted, the moment this happens, Jerry is instantly in love with Carol, which is pretty out-of-nowhere, as is her eventual reciprocation.


So, to finish, this is a fine comedy, albeit one with serious issues. I also haven't the slightest idea why it's called Lover Come Back. Still, I recommend it to Doris Day and Rock Hudson fans...

Why Didn't They Ask Evans? (1980)

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It's generally a good rule of thumb to not adapt novels literally when making movie adaptations, because they're two very different mediums. For example, if you translate every single line of dialogue from a simple 180-page book to the screen, you end with a three hour long movie! The example in question today is Why Didn't They Ask Evans, an adaptation of an Agatha Christie book...

Bobby Jones, a young man in the Welsh town of Marchbolt, comes across a near-dead man, who utters cryptic last words to Bobby-'Why didn't they ask Evans?'. Bobby believes the man's death to be an accident, but events after the inquest make him suspicious, such as a replaced photo. Originally, a photo of a beautiful woman was in the dead man's pocket, but after Bobby left watching the body to another man-Roger Bassington-Ffrench, the photo was replaced by one of a woman named Amelia Cayman, who, along with her husband, shows up at the dead man's inquest, claiming he's her brother. Bobby, and his friend Lady Frances 'Frankie' Derwent realize the Caymans are lying, especially after an attempt on Bobby's life after he send them a letter detailing the dead man's last words. The two sleuths start investigating Roger Bassington-Ffrench, and soon uncover a large conspiracy...


This is a largely faithful adaptation of the book, although it rearranges certain lines of dialogue, and changes certain conversations up to include bits of the prose that weren't verbalized by the characters. The finale is also altered, as a letter in the book is an in-person moment. This is a good decision, as it fits better with the TV format than the book's version of the scene would. As an adaptation, this is quite good, but there are two problems dragging it down. The first being that the book's plot itself has serious problems, which carry over, and the second...THE RUNNING TIME!

Why Didn't They Ask Evans is three hours long, and it really, really doesn't need to be!
There are numerous scenes that could have easily been trimmed. And I'm not even talking about scenes with dialogue! There are a lot of scenes where the camera is just aimlessly surveying its surroundings, or characters are taking forever in walking/sneaking around! Now these particular scenes aren't badly paced on their own, but as part of a bloated three hour monstrosity, they'll make you yell at the screen!


Onto the plot. It has some pretty sizeable issues! The first is that the two leads keep going after their presumed suspect, and never go to the obvious ones! Sure, they investigate the character Dr. Nicholson, eventually, but they don't investigate the Caymans until well past the 90 minute mark! The Cayman's are heavily tied into this case, as it's their photo in the dead man's jacket, they lied about his identity at the inquest, and tried to murder Bobby. Despite knowing all of this, Bobby and Frankie seem determined to believe Roger Bassington-Ffrench is the culprit, even though he's innocent in every way!...Well, except in the respect that he turns out to actually be guilty, but as far as the two sleuths knew,  there was extremely little, if anything, tying him to the murder. Then there's the John Savage part of the case, which they also should've been investigating way sooner than they actually did!

The mystery here isn't that great (which is partially why I had no compunction with spoiling Roger's role as a bad guy. That and the monstrous running time.). It's good when the characters finally get around to learning something (Frankie's visit to her lawyer, for example), but the majority of plot is them dicking around at the Bassington-Ffrench's learning nothing but red herrings!


One final writing problem is a small one, and not even all that noticeable in this adaptation, as it's a movie, but it irks me all the same-The name Bassington-Ffrench! Yes, it really has two F's! That's Fucking Fucked!

The main two characters are amusing, even if they do wear out their welcome a tad in the 185 minute running time.

Other characters are not so lucky. After the death of 'a certain character', Sylvia Bassington-Ffrench drops out of the movie entirely! There's an occasional mention to her, and an offhand reference to an offscreen character resolution, but that's it.

Two particular minor characters have their roles expanded on from the book, which is good for the respective reasons. The first character in question is played by John Gielgud, even though he only has barely over two scenes in the book. I've no idea why they hired such a big name actor for so small a part, as it's not much even when you take his extra scenes into account. The other character is Dr. George Arbuthnot, who has one scene in the book, and then I'm pretty sure never appears again, while he has multiple scenes in the movie. This is good, as it gives the character more to do that be a plot convenience in one scene then scoot off, never to be heard from again.


The acting in Why Didn't They Ask Evans is all good, although Connie Booth never attempts an American accent despite that being her character's nationality. Still, better that than what the actor playing the Canadian Nicholson does! He's attempting a Canadian accent, and failing so much it seems like he's just not trying! Also, no-one in the Welsh town of Marchbolt has a Welsh accent! The actors are all British!

This obviously isn't an effects feature, so there's little to talk about in that regard-Just two pretty big mistakes. The first is when a 'certain character' has seemingly shot themself in the head, and there's zero blood or brain splattered all over his desk, or the walls, or anywhere! The second problem is the lack of fog in the movie's opening scene. This is important in the book as it's the whole reason everyone believed the dead man accidentally fell off the cliff, as he couldn't see his way around the area! If he could clearly see where he was going, then either this case is obviously murder or suicide, or the guy was incredibly stupid!


As I said, this was originally a miniseries, which is partly the reason behind the absurd length (the other reason being their faithfully adapting the novel), and it was divided into either six or three episodes. For its DVD release, it was spliced into one movie, and the pacing isn't as off as you'd think due to this decision, but the editing in those five spots is! Every time an 'episode' is ending, it cuts to the next scene so abruptly you'll get whiplash! Granted, it's a better trade off than hearing the happy theme each time after a menacing cliffhanger ending, such as the main character potentially dying of Morphia poisoning!

Finally, the scoring. It's ok, but repetitive, and said main theme is merely ok to me. Still, I mildly dig the storybook opening credits!


To finish, I don't recommend this movie, due wholly to its length. Still, it's a better watch than the Miss Marple TV episode that adapted Why Didn't They Ask Evans, which, as that dreadful series was wont to do, changed almost everything about the plot, making it baffling why they decided to adapt the book in the first place, especially as it has nothing to do with Miss Marple! And there's that version of The Sittaford Mystery that changed the killer, his motive, and I think the victim too! And there's when they adapted The Pale Horse and...
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